No worries, can I tell you what Malort really tastes like?
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No worries, can I tell you what Malort really tastes like?
When I last left off in Part II, I promised we'd go slumming in Chicago. Ah yes, Malört... (pic8.co)
Pretty sure this is what happens when an aspiring Scandanavian distiller with twisted taste buds falls asleep in a bed of strange herbs in Chicago. Might have been a bed of weeds - wormwood to be specific. In any case, calling this a "liqueur" is a bit of a stretch. It is bitter medicine - little to no sweetness, and with its heavy Wormwood flavor it could easily do dual duty as de-worming medicine. I'll leave the story behind Chicago's finest "liqueur" to you, but end this intro with a paraphrased quote from @Theodore_kent in a convo we had a goodly while back:
Malört tastes like regret.
I received this bottle as a joke Christmas gift a couple years back - my daughter in law being the prankster. My son found the recipe when I told them they were going to help me drink it - come hell or high water! Basically it is a Last of the Oaxacans - except you substitute Malört for the Chartreuse!
Referencing the recipes in Parts I and II, here's the mixology:
Ingredients
3/4 oz Mezcal (Wahaka) 3/4 oz Malört (pretty sure there are no substitutes) 3/4 oz Maraschino liqueur (Luxardo) 3/4 oz fresh lime juice Lime wedge for garnish
Instructions
Add liquid ingredients to a cocktail shaker 2/3rds full of ice, shake vigorously, strain into a chilled coupe or cocktail glass, place garnish on the glass rim and viola!
This is not as polished as a Last Word or Last of the Oaxacans, but is fairly drinkable if you don't object to substantial bitter undertones. As a matter of fact I'll go out on a limb and state this may be the highest and best use of Malört extant. That said, its definitely a one and done.
3.3/5 Ducks - a passable sipper that makes an occasional appearance. Just don't buy a huge bottle of Malört thinking you'll use it up quickly. Believe they're marketing 50 ml bottles now... ~~~~ Part III wraps up my cocktail adventure. But if you like The Last Word and want to play around with a couple (several) other riffs, these guys (diffordsguide.com) take it to a whole other level.
Cheers!
So, the first time, and last time, I drank Malort was shortly after my bar shut down, in 2018.
It was a beautiful, classic shitty Philadelphia dive bar.
Truly immaculate in how disgusting it was, we had both a resident bar cat without a litter box, and a sewer pipe that would leak whenever kegs got dropped down threw the bilco doors.
But out clientele was loyal.
They loved us not for who we were, or who we were not, but just because we didn't give a shit.
I hate to sound gay, but it was actually like cheers. Everyone knew everyone, bartenders loved fag customers, and gay customers loved us as bartenders.
Right before we shut down in December, one of my patron's, his name was Glenn.
He was smart, an actual computer engineer, but also very ugly, and going threw a divorce.
And I asked him what he was going to be doing over Christmas.
And Glenn told me, he was just going to drive. Maybe to Chicago.
I didn't believe him, I thought he was lying. I asked him to bring me back a bottle of Malort.
But Glenn, he was not actually fucking with me.
A man, with no humans holding him back, a man, with no family to go home to, a man, with no where to go, except for the open road.
Nigger Glenn drove into Chicago on his Christmas Holiday...
Nigger Glenn Drove back to Philadelphia shortly after Christmas...
And Glenn brought me back a bottle of Malort, right before New Year's Eve.
The Bar was Abandoned.
The Kegs were taken out.
Yet I still had the keys to the bar.
Glenn and I tasted Malort.
And it tasted like the fall of a Philadelphia Dive Bar.