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395

I will start this by saying I dont need your sympathy for this...I have come to terms with what it is.

What I need from you, because you all for the most part are decent people....real people that on voat helped me, and maybe you can now.

So some you know from my past submissions of voat (adhdferret and later AR47) that i had a less than best childhood. Was beaten for al.ost a decade of myife when it began, and then some more by others.

Just what it was, and my mother and step father were the ones that did this. There is documentation of it in court records when I was a ward of the state after the last beating that almost killed me.

If you need accounts of this I can relay them to you in comments but I will warn you it is going to be hard to read.

Today....she contacts me out of the blue telling me she has cancer and needs her affairs in order to make her will and she needs my contact info.

Keep in mind she has never done a thing for me save giving me birth, but for that I have been her punching bag....lied to when there is documentation of the opposite.

I told her no....I don't want anything from her. Gone this long without it, and I dont need it now. Asssume her role for what she has left and know that she is absolved from the burden of my well being.

Then it starts.....the psychopath in her gets to working. Dismissive of all things.....saying that everyone else made shit up, and she was a good mother.

The court, my father, and that she was forced to give me up....i.linked the court case as I have it scanned and saved....she says that isn't it.

It is all made up.....that it is my fault I believed all those lies about her.

Well last time she did see me was when I allowed her to hold my son and I got a picture of it, before she attacked my wife and I broke off all contact.

I told her that if she does indeed believe in God then he will have the decision to forgive her and in so she can do it herself as well.

I did long ago, and didn't want anything from her, but what she could have given me....a mother.

When she does pass I will mourn her, and I am going to frame that picture of her and her grandson to place on her stone.

Because I don't need to remember bad of a dead person...just for what she was that moment...what she did that day.

Then she said I won't get a fucking thing from her ever.....people I cried and I dont do that....not from emotional shit.

I bottle it up like a man does.....but I told her to just leave and take all that with her, as I didn't need her then, and I dont later.

I burned a bridge. Fueled by my own tears, my own feelings and made the decision for my son along with it, which as a father I vowed not to do.....I don't see any other way to protect him from what she really is.

So hopefully I did right....I don't know, but its done now.

Thank you for reading this, and I value your input on this either way.

I will start this by saying I dont need your sympathy for this...I have come to terms with what it is. What I need from you, because you all for the most part are decent people....real people that on voat helped me, and maybe you can now. So some you know from my past submissions of voat (adhdferret and later AR47) that i had a less than best childhood. Was beaten for al.ost a decade of myife when it began, and then some more by others. Just what it was, and my mother and step father were the ones that did this. There is documentation of it in court records when I was a ward of the state after the last beating that almost killed me. If you need accounts of this I can relay them to you in comments but I will warn you it is going to be hard to read. Today....she contacts me out of the blue telling me she has cancer and needs her affairs in order to make her will and she needs my contact info. Keep in mind she has never done a thing for me save giving me birth, but for that I have been her punching bag....lied to when there is documentation of the opposite. I told her no....I don't want anything from her. Gone this long without it, and I dont need it now. Asssume her role for what she has left and know that she is absolved from the burden of my well being. Then it starts.....the psychopath in her gets to working. Dismissive of all things.....saying that everyone else made shit up, and she was a good mother. The court, my father, and that she was forced to give me up....i.linked the court case as I have it scanned and saved....she says that isn't it. It is all made up.....that it is my fault I believed all those lies about her. Well last time she did see me was when I allowed her to hold my son and I got a picture of it, before she attacked my wife and I broke off all contact. I told her that if she does indeed believe in God then he will have the decision to forgive her and in so she can do it herself as well. I did long ago, and didn't want anything from her, but what she could have given me....a mother. When she does pass I will mourn her, and I am going to frame that picture of her and her grandson to place on her stone. Because I don't need to remember bad of a dead person...just for what she was that moment...what she did that day. Then she said I won't get a fucking thing from her ever.....people I cried and I dont do that....not from emotional shit. I bottle it up like a man does.....but I told her to just leave and take all that with her, as I didn't need her then, and I dont later. I burned a bridge. Fueled by my own tears, my own feelings and made the decision for my son along with it, which as a father I vowed not to do.....I don't see any other way to protect him from what she really is. So hopefully I did right....I don't know, but its done now. Thank you for reading this, and I value your input on this either way.

(post is archived)

[–] • 7 pts

Seems the hardest things we humans can do is forgive those who have wronged us. Especially those who should be as trusted as a parent.

Sad tale mate.

[–] • 3 pts

I've never seen the benefit in forgiving someone who hasn't asked for forgiveness.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

Either have i. Maybe this is why shit fucks with me.

Anyone can say the words....tell the lie and smile...I can't.

[–] • 0 pt

Indeed. It is contrary to the carnal mind.

[–] • 0 pt

I've never seen any benefit in forgiving someone who has asked for forgiveness. Guess them that ask for and receive forgiveness get some benefit (emotional? psychological? spiritual?), but that's it. My outlook is that you did whatever you did, for whatever reason you did it, now shut the hell up, and own it, live with it, and die with it. Seek your forgiveness from yourself or your god, or whatever, but not from me. I don't forget, don't forgive, I'm definitely sold-out of absolution, and don't plan to restock.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

It isnt sad...it just is at this point. I tell you this...right now I don't know if I did right or wrong by my son.

[–] • 4 pts

Keeping him away from her sounds like a wise decision. She had/has a substance abuse issues, or was she abused herself? Such things rarely resolve themselves on their own. Best to keep him far away.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

She claimed to me that my half bothers were poisoning her with mercury at one point.

That I needed to help her....I told her in all likelihood she deserved it.

This was long ago too

[+] [deleted] • 2 pts
[–] • 6 pts

Might be real. Might be a fake story to generate sympathy. Best not give her any more chances to hurt you.

God bless.

[–] [deleted] • 2 pts

I belive she is afraid....she thinks I will just belive her and forget what I know, because that is what she wants.

I can't...I want to, but until she admits it...I cant.

[–] • 0 pt

There's a misnomer that you can forgive who hasn't asked for forgiveness.

[–] • 0 pt

So you’re going to put it on her to decide by an action you expect from her, whether you move forward or not? Dude, she’s crazy. You don’t put expectations on crazy people. Have you ever seen a professional therapist about all this? Just for some perspective, not that there’s anything wrong with you. Just, sometimes they can help clarify things.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

I did...told I needed meds, blah blah....waste of money honestly.

You can say the words, act like you have done the same, but I am me, and you are you.

I need her to own it. Or her passing. I guess it is hope that she realizes it...if she doesn't and I know that.

No point to expect it so fuck it.

[–] • 3 pts

If you've endured that, then surely you've read up on NPD.

While I don't recommend reddit to anyone anymore, they had a decent forum there. You have to look beyond all of the bs covid posts and other shilling so not sure how useful it would be to you today. The stories on there were helpful to me, though, before it got too shill-propaganda infested.

She definitely has narcissistic tendencies at the very least. Gaslighting can really do a number on you when you're exposed to it regularly, and narcissists are masters at it. There is also a very high possibility that she is not sick and just manipulating you. This is what narcissists do.

Cutting ties and going no contact is the best for you and your family. She doesn't sound like a mother, but just someone who birthed you. I believe that you make your own family, and blood relation is not a requirement.

She is an abuser and enabled abuse. You would not be doing your duty as a father or husband if you exposed your family to that.

Stay strong. You did the right thing.

[–] [deleted] • 5 pts

Thank you stranger. That helps.

Worse part of this is that she (my mother) contacted my wife to get my attention.

The entire conversation I did screenshots so she knew what happened....now my wife feels responsible and told me she is sorry she did it, and I told her this was something she needed to do.

Something I needed to do, and it just is now.

She sucked it up and I told her she does it again tell me....dont keep it from me. That isn't what she as my wife should do.

[–] • 4 pts

Contacting your wife to get to you is another well-known tactic and I think might've been an attempt to make her the "flying monkey". Your wife shouldn't feel too bad. Again, this is what narcissists do. Yall both need to read up on NPD and understand the tactics and how to handle them.

Again, I dont usually recommend reddit, but check out their older posts in narcissistic abuse or justnomil. Just be warned to overlook shill shit. It was very helpful and therapeutic for me, though.

When you realize what they are, it helps to know that its not you that is crazy. Gaslighting is such a mental fuckery and I hate it so much.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

What is the sub link?

[–] • 1 pt (edited )

That's NPD in a nutshell. If they can't contact you, they'll contact others via proxy and try and manipulate them.

Same shit will happen with your son - it'll all be manipulation tactics. Why submit your son to that bullshit?

Secondly, your wife should be keeping no secrets from you. That's how narcissists drive a wedge between relationships. She shouldn't be keeping secrets from you anyway.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

I won't.

It is why I did what I did...it hurt to do it because I know with me it is final even though I didn't get resolve.

[–] • 0 pt

I completely agree with @notsee , you may want to look at borderline as well. Cut ties. Love and lead your wife.

[–] • 0 pt (edited )

I don't know the age of your kid, but understand that there's a good chance he's your mom's next attempted point of contact. I have no advice on what the best way to caution him about it is, but I'd go so far as to tell you to expect it.

my experience in family dynamics being: I found out I had a half-brother when I answered my grandfather's phone for him, and he (the brother) was calling because my physically abusive (and previously disowned) narcissist of a father goaded the kid into calling Grandpa to "check on his health, and see if they could come visit." (Multiple family members had standing restraining orders against Dear Ol' Dad, so the answer was a polite "No. Sorry for your situation, kid."

Edit: didn't see Thalassa's point below. Beat me by nine hours.

[–] • 1 pt

Well said. I read some of that forum years ago when coming to terms with my father. Amazing how so many people have went through the same thing and it isn't really talked about in the open.

[–] • 2 pts

I wish that I'd come across it a lot sooner. I think people didn't really realize there was a term for it. I use to hear the word narcissist and just thought it meant someone hung up on themselves.

It's an abuse that isnt always physical, so people might also be afraid to get help or information, because heck, "who complains about mental abuse?"

[–] • 0 pt

The subreddit is called justnofamily and there used to be great content there.

Now of course its been hijacked by commies, it is impossible to post here without getting banned (I got my normie accounts banned too) and people bitch about the smallest shit.

Trueoffmychest is a great community that rose becauseoffmychest was... Hijacked by commies that banned everyone.

[–] • 0 pt

I got banned and also faced bigrading, but what really drove me away was the amount of propaganda. Even well before covid, the attack on anyone questioning vaccines was strangely everywhere.

Even in the justnomil sub, you'd start getting shit like, "my mother in law is a narcissist" and it would give narcissist signs but then she was also an anti-vaxxer, racist, etc. While a percentage could've been legit, started seeing this pattern in other subs too often to be natural.

I wish there were a quick way to search or view posts in certain time periods because the user generated content was really great there at one time.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

Reddit is like that. I stand my ground and luckily I have a way with words to convey actual meanings that most understand.

Usually it evens out with their bullshit voting on reddit.

I know that something is killing people....I don't know what it is, but from what I see on the roads and how some states are so serious they have closed rest stops, how police keep their distance in most cases.....and got a friend who is security at a hospital.

He tells me how many are just dying every fucking day..he wouldn't lie to me either. Not about this...it weighs on him you know?

That vaccine scares the living fuck out of me, and that is what I said on reddit....I got the "dont be a pussy" comments.

I also got the yeah it does me too....I wear the mask, I do the distance, wash my hands and now....doesn't matter because one of my main contracts won't let me do inspections after July unless I prove I had the vaccine.

I had the rona twice now...well two positive tests...second time I had it wasn't so bad..the first yeah it wasn't good. Didn't have hospital, but I had severe breathing issues. For two days.

Then a cough for a couple weeks.

I have done 16 tests so far..paid for them out of my own pocket because I won't bring that shit home to my wife and son when I dont understand it myself.

90% of reddit gets that, and the other 10% is just mindless fuck wits with an ax to grind.

[–] • 3 pts

No contact is all you can do here fren.

My mother is a psychopath too and I cut her out of my life.

The I have cancer story is probably a lie to suck you back into her sick world. If you allow her in your life again she will do all she can to fuck up your family. It's what they do.

She has shown you she hasn't changed and properly apologized. She is blaming you for her abuse.

She hates you for walking away and she will cause you great suffering atbthe first chance she gets. Don't expose yourself and your family to this. Don't give her your contact details.

These monsters get off on your suffering. She will target your kids as a way of hurting you the most. They have no conscience. Your doing the right thing imho. Never let her back into your life.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

The lure of a will to leave me shit was her goal....like now after 41 years is the time to give me something.

It shows to me what she thinks of me. All of my half bothers that she raised are in jail or some phase of corrections.

One of them she has his daughter because from what she told me the mother ODed from her son injecting her while he was high too.

Now he is in jail and she has the kid.....some Jerry springer shit honestly that I was never really involved with, but goes to show how all of them that she raised ended up where they are and I didn't.

I mentioned that to her and she said it was because I was just lucky.

[–] [deleted] • 2 pts

Tell her to don a Trump shirt and go grocery shopping with no mask, and then send you a video of it, for preliminary atonement.

[–] • 2 pts

My father grew up in a similar situation - his real father tried to kill himself 3 times. (My dad had to cut him down once when he had hung himself.) Both my dad's mom and step dad kicked the shit out of him.

He told me one day that his main job as a father was to make sure all that chaos and hate ended with him.

And it did. He was an amazing man - and I honor his strength and courage to this day. I knew nothing of that chaos. I never even met my grandmother on that side.

And, I say this from the bottom of my heart: Fuck her.

Giving birth does not give you permission to be a psychotic cunt. Fuck her.

Your mom was also a psychotic cunt. Fuck her. It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. Don't give her a second thought. Stop being nostalgic. You have absolutely no responsibility to her.

Sorry if that sounds cold, but you are wasting your time pining for life you never had because some cunt stole it from you. The longer you pine, the more time she steals.

[–] [deleted] • 3 pts

I will give you a story.

One day when I was still on training wheels for my bicycle my step dad decided that wasn't going to be the way anymore.

So he took them off, but I was still afraid....so he zip tied my hands to the handlebars and lashed a rope from his bike to mine.

Then off we went down the dirt road we lived on....I was up for a time, and then I wasn't, but he dragged me for a long while on my face because my hands were lashed to the handle bars.

My mother quickly got me as neighbors could see me, and she rushed me inside....I had gravel embedded in my face.

She was picking it out with her tweezers and every time I flinched she hit me in the head with the curling iron....after I couldn't stop moving away she dumped 2 bottles of rubbing alcohol on my head and walked away.

I still have the scars in my forehead from that.

[–] • 1 pt

Madness. Absolute madness. I'm sorry to hear that.

[–] [deleted] • 2 pts

Another one...my last time I was in her care.

Was watching Saturday morning cartoons eating my captian crunch....think it was transformers.

My half bother came in and was fucking with me, and I put up with it...until I didn't anymore.

I was older than him and rolled him on his back and held his arms down...was tapping him in the forehead over and over again.

He was screaming and mommy dearest came in and said I was trying to kill him. Step dad came in after a minute and pitched me through the wall....past the drywall and into the next room.

I got up and was done with it all. I knew there was nothing I could do at that point, but I wasn't going to fear him anymore.

He saw that in my eyes, and he didn't like it. So he grabbed me and put my over his lap, but I didn't scream and I didn't fight.

That is what he wanted and I wanted it to end. I remember just wanting to die...it was the only way it would end for me I thought.

The first hit with his belt buckle felt like fire....it was the base of my neck, the second was middle, and I remember that feeling of those first two.

Then I just gave in.....it stopped hurting and I remember looking at the outlet on the wall.

I remember looking at it until I couldn't focus on it anymore and then I got scared. The world was shaking and I didn't know why.

I woke up in a hospital bed a week later.

He hit me 27 times with that buckle and I had a seizure....after he was done and I wasn't responsive I was tossed out the window like trash.

A neighbor saw me by the trashcan bleeding from my ears and called 911 when she got home from work at 7pm.....

I will never be afraid and give up again in my life.

[–] • 0 pt

Yeah, she needs killed. My mom was an abusive cunt, but not that bad, and she knows to never darken my door. She is scared to fucking death of me, and that makes me feel good.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

I have killed enough people thus far in my life. I am not doing it anymore....I hope.

Plus her suffering is her payment.

[–] • 2 pts

Since you are claiming to be inwardly free of giving a fuck and beyond her range to manipulate you, why not play along and get some resources for it? If the emotional ops don't work on you anymore then why not engage her in her old game except from a positoon of strength with an incentive and victory? Your kid can certainly use whatever she's supposedly got to leave. And if it's all just some bullshit, so what? You don't care about her bullshit anymore. Costs you nothing emotionally to engage from an indifferent position.

[–] [deleted] • 3 pts

Well for one reason is that I dont want her to think she owes me anything but acknowledge she did me wrong.

I dont want money, or anything else.

[–] • 0 pt

Who cares what she thinks about what if she was such an enemy in your past? Let her think whatever if it gives the boy a home and shit

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

Her money or whatever she would leave me....isnt worth it to me. I don't want her to think in this life that she did the right thing.

She never did.

She can't now, and yes I may hold that grudge, but as a person I need to hear those words and know that she admits to herself all that shit.

At this moment....she blocked me and thinks I am the bad guy.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

Bad advice. No contact with narcissists and psychopaths is the only remedy. They are masters of manipulation even if you think you are impervious.

[–] • 0 pt

How can that correlate to mastery? What if they're stupid?

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

That's the thing, they're not stupid. It takes a certain kind of intelligence to be a narcissist/psychopath. They may not be math whizzes or captains of industry (many are CEOs though) but they're very good at manipulating people.

[–] • 0 pt

This would be EXACTLY my approach. Totally guilt free. But only ME, not my family, no matter how she weedles.

[–] • 1 pt (edited )

we don't give forgiveness for us, we give it as a kindness to others. Jesus didn't die for himself, he died for us, he suffered for us. Forgiveness is the most pure form of altruism known to mankind; There are no greater loves than that of one who lays down their life for another, or one who forgives others selflessly.

In your situation Kw, it would be very easy for us and for others to understand if you had chosen not to, yet despite your past you still strived to try and move forward with your future, you turned the other cheek. This is a lesson that many understand but very few actually can aspire to.

Blood is thicker than water, but on occasion, the blood runs out. We're mortal after all and we are with sin, all we can try and do is our best. I know someone like you who has been through similar difficulties with his family and he, and your post have taught, nay proven something valuable: "It's often those who have lost the most that have given the most and more often than not they cannae give more than they have"

As hard as it is to say, and while some might disagree it's likely that not many on here, Poals or Goats would judge you for your actions. You weren't just protecting yourself, you were protecting your son; You didn't let the cycle continue. You should be proud.

2 Cor 4:8-9 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed. Perplexed, but not in despair.. persecuted, but not abandoned. Struck down, but not destroyed

psalm 10:17 You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted. You encourage them n u listen to their cries

[–] • 1 pt

The best thing you can do is forget she ever existed. My stepfather who beat me as a child died. I hadnt spoken to him in over 20 years. About a month later I get a call from a bill collector. Fucking guys says "dont you want to clear up any debts in your late fathers name?". I said "hey pal. All that guy ever did was beat me like a dog. I dont give a shit about his name ". The guy was actually shook up. I could hear it in his voice. he apologized and hung up.

[–] • 1 pt

Holy shit bill collectors really do that? There is no way you could be held liable for his debt. What a snake.

[–] • 0 pt

I jedi mind fucked that guy. His voice was quivering when he hung up.

[–] • 0 pt

Have narcopathic parents myself. Tried everything. Same thing, let them hold my son. Big mistake. Immediately triggered a violent attack, police were called and since they called, I got the cuffs.

Found a great lawyer to get me out of the worst of it (funny how I've learned so well to get out of trouble in my life) but it still barred me from getting even basic level jobs. Plus blew up the fledgling career I had just started.

Went no contact, which was helped by the fucking restraining order.

Have they written the judge to ask leniency? Have they made a statement showing any culpability?

According to the police transcripts the answer is no. Their opinion is that I'm a total psycho and deserve the punishment.

I have no doubts they would have gone after my son. Fuck them. So glad I have a good lawyer, but fuck are they expensive.

Anyways. Pretty eye opening to read the transcripts, pretty crazy to finally get their real opinion of me.

These people are dangerous. Do not engage.

[–] • 0 pt

I member.

You did good in a hard situation. God is forgiveness and is a part of you. It’s like eyesight or smell. And it’s never for the person forgiven. Forgiveness, oddly enough, is purely selfish. I’m throwing a prayer up for your spirit, friend.

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