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I spent 30 days in an in-patient recovery facility.

30 days of going to group therapy, 30 days of listening to other patients who had problems exactly like mine, 30 days of lying to my therapist, because if I were to disclose my true thoughts I would've been deemed a risk to myself or others.

30 days of waking up at 5:00 and going to the gym twice daily, 30 days with four different roommates, all of whom had wildly differing opinions on the temperature the room should be kept at, 30 days of hoarding milk in the lounge mini-fridge because snacks in between meals were hard to come by.

30 days of only consuming mainstream media.

30 days that were actually pretty pleasant all around.

But I have been home since Thanksgiving, and I do not find my sobriety to be comforting at all.

I have attended AA meetings since I left.

I have raised my hand, and I have talked, and I have shared, and I have drank some of the shittiest coffee I have ever had.

I have had a schizophrenic man break down in tears, insisting he recognized me from a place that I could not have been.

I say the prayers and I try my hardest to mean them, but they feel like hollow formalities that God chooses not to listen to every time I say them.

I feel completely disconnected from everything and find little joy in anything.

Every single thing I do feels like a designed distraction to keep me from noticing the extremely obvious malevolent nature of Consciousness.

It feels like there is a constant shroud of evil around everything, like something is just waiting to break through.

Human interaction is polite and cursory. It feels like very few people have anything interesting to say. My roommate asked me if I felt better and had stopped hating myself when I within the first 15 minutes of returning home. I lied to him and said yes.

Many people in my life told me that not drinking would make my life better. I think that is excellent advice for most people. I am just old enough and know myself well enough to say that I am extremely abnormal in my way of thinking. I am not convinced that this sobriety thing will work out for me.

Worst of all, I feel like I cannot write the same way I used to. The words don't flow anymore and seem stuck in my head. Maybe this is just a temporary problem I have to work through, maybe not. If it stays like this, I will go back to drinking.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving,

Regards,

-Theo

I spent 30 days in an in-patient recovery facility. 30 days of going to group therapy, 30 days of listening to other patients who had problems exactly like mine, 30 days of lying to my therapist, because if I were to disclose my true thoughts I would've been deemed a risk to myself or others. 30 days of waking up at 5:00 and going to the gym twice daily, 30 days with four different roommates, all of whom had wildly differing opinions on the temperature the room should be kept at, 30 days of hoarding milk in the lounge mini-fridge because snacks in between meals were hard to come by. 30 days of only consuming mainstream media. 30 days that were actually pretty pleasant all around. But I have been home since Thanksgiving, and I do not find my sobriety to be comforting at all. I have attended AA meetings since I left. I have raised my hand, and I have talked, and I have shared, and I have drank some of the shittiest coffee I have ever had. I have had a schizophrenic man break down in tears, insisting he recognized me from a place that I could not have been. I say the prayers and I try my hardest to mean them, but they feel like hollow formalities that God chooses not to listen to every time I say them. I feel completely disconnected from everything and find little joy in anything. Every single thing I do feels like a designed distraction to keep me from noticing the extremely obvious malevolent nature of Consciousness. It feels like there is a constant shroud of evil around everything, like something is just waiting to break through. Human interaction is polite and cursory. It feels like very few people have anything interesting to say. My roommate asked me if I felt better and had stopped hating myself when I within the first 15 minutes of returning home. I lied to him and said yes. Many people in my life told me that not drinking would make my life better. I think that is excellent advice for most people. I am just old enough and know myself well enough to say that I am extremely abnormal in my way of thinking. I am not convinced that this sobriety thing will work out for me. Worst of all, I feel like I cannot write the same way I used to. The words don't flow anymore and seem stuck in my head. Maybe this is just a temporary problem I have to work through, maybe not. If it stays like this, I will go back to drinking. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, Regards, -Theo

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[–] • 5 pts

I went in for 45 days in a similar situation.

Something I hope they told you about is anhedonia. For a while after you get sober, life can seem totally grey, because you're no longer getting such sharp spikes of dopamine on the regular, and your threshold is higher than natural dopamine peaks reach. This gets better as your neurochemistry goes back to normal.

My suggestion is that you dive into the program and do the stuff it tells you to do. Find a meeting that you don't hate. Read the book. Get a sponsor. Do a service commitment. Basically, just surrender to the process and be willing to accept that it CAN work.

I've got almost 5 months now (Longest I've had in about 20 years) and my life already feels fundamentally different and better.

I've said it before, but I think it would be great if someone made a sobriety sub. Lots of us here could benefit.

[–] • 1 pt

In terms of anhedonia, I was actually pretty happy in rehab.

Not so much now that I am out.

[–] • 1 pt

The program is bullshit.

Either he is in control of himself or someone else is.

Who controls what you do?

[–] • 1 pt

Obviously I do, but when I do with God's will for me in mind, I make better choices.

Maybe it didn't work for you but it works for many, including me.