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371

It started off with an honest intent, after my sponsor told me he thought I needed to go back to rehab, because I had relapsed.

Because I am an alcoholic, and I did not like what my sponsor had to say, about going back to rehab, I did the only obvious action and drank.

The moment I kept on drinking, I kept on rationalizing why I had to drink more, because that is the nature of as addict.

If I drink just more bottle of whiskey, I will be able to gather up all my things, throw out the bullshit, and enter rehab successfully

If I drink just one more bottle of whiskey, I will be able to throw out all my bullshit before trash day, and enter rehab successfully

And I keep on lying to myself, in weird ways, ways that would make no sense whatsoever to a non-alcoholic non-addict human.

I wish I could use my words to correctly describe how I feel and why I do what I am doing to a normie, but that would be impossible.

If anything, it is like having a gun, and telling you

Hey, bet you I can shoot between my toes!

And I do it once, and it feels amazing, and everyone is impressed with my sharpshooter ability.

wow, cool trick Theo, don't try that again

and then I try it again, and blow off one of my toes.

but instead of stopping the trick, I say

nope, wait, totally got it this time

and I blow off another toe

and all the people who were totally for me, totally around me, finally say

Hey Theo, you might want to stop aiming that gun at you foot

And I tell them they are right, the caliber wasn't large enough, best to use a shotgun this time instead

And what was a foot I used to stand on, slowly turns into a stump...

And all my friends and family are completely mystified as to why?

Maybe just mind your own business, and let me continue shooting this bloody stump, because one of these days, it will stop me from fucking thinking about shit I don't want to hear.

It started off with an honest intent, after my sponsor told me he thought I needed to go back to rehab, because I had relapsed. Because I am an alcoholic, and I did not like what my sponsor had to say, about going back to rehab, I did the only obvious action and drank. The moment I kept on drinking, I kept on rationalizing why I had to drink more, because that is the nature of as addict. >If I drink just more bottle of whiskey, I will be able to gather up all my things, throw out the bullshit, and enter rehab successfully >If I drink just one more bottle of whiskey, I will be able to throw out all my bullshit before trash day, and enter rehab successfully And I keep on lying to myself, in weird ways, ways that would make no sense whatsoever to a non-alcoholic non-addict human. I wish I could use my words to correctly describe how I feel and why I do what I am doing to a normie, but that would be impossible. If anything, it is like having a gun, and telling you >Hey, bet you I can shoot between my toes! And I do it once, and it feels amazing, and everyone is impressed with my sharpshooter ability. >wow, cool trick Theo, don't try that again and then I try it again, and blow off one of my toes. but instead of stopping the trick, I say >nope, wait, totally got it this time and I blow off another toe and all the people who were totally for me, totally around me, finally say >Hey Theo, you might want to stop aiming that gun at you foot And I tell them they are right, the caliber wasn't large enough, best to use a shotgun this time instead And what was a foot I used to stand on, slowly turns into a stump... And all my friends and family are completely mystified as to why? Maybe just mind your own business, and let me continue shooting this bloody stump, because one of these days, it will stop me from fucking thinking about shit I don't want to hear.
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[–] • 4 pts

Oh, I get it Theo.

I have lost other friends to addictive behavior. There are no magic words anyone who cared for them could say that would have changed the situation. The nature of addiction is such that it always finds a way to justify its continuance. I wish I could say we could beat this addiction together by just being strong and praying for divine intervention. God has given you many the chances to change, but the it's all too easy to choose the demons of addiction over God's help. It is the flaw of man to do so.

I don't want you to go down that path. I don't want to find out that the demons won and Theo is gone. I don't want to feel, again, that I should have tried harder to heal a friend before it was too late. I know I can't heal you, but I also know that I can't just sit back and watch it happen. I have never cracked this nut and fixed a losing situation. I am once again powerless to help out. That doesn't erase my guilt or make me feel like I didn't try hard enough. I can't fix that either.

We care about you, Theo. We are powerless to help because it is your battle alone. We can't force you nor can we talk sense into you. You are the only person who can save you. You can choose to have some missing toes or have two bloody stumps or no longer be here in the mortal world. We can't choose for you but we still have to watch it all play out and utter words that will only encourage you to keep shooting. The demons of addiction win when you choose for them to win. We don't want that. I don't want that. The demons want that. What do you want? (that's a rhetorical question)