First of all, congrats. Looking at and admitting hard truth takes courage. More people than you might think are in this same boat - numb and sleepwalking through life, secretly hoping it ends soon. You may not be open to this but IMHO this is a spiritual issue (and don't confuse religion and spirituality). Maybe you could spend time watching videos about what near-death experience certain people have had. Some of the videos by Anthony Chene on this subject are absolutely beautiful. There are many others. You might also gain comfort from reading and rereading the words of Desiderata. That's where I would start. Good luck!