I have a rare congenital terminal lung condition, not caused by smoking. i can't even go to bed anymore without going tachycardic, and even the most basic shit imaginable has become a chore in and of itself. according to my doctor, there is no cure, and at best, they can only guess what it is or is not going to do. since the fev1 number is well into very severe (25 - 30%) territory, my prognosis is close to shit at this point. and yet, nothing makes me happy anymore. i'm just tumbling around waiting for my day to come, and i have no happiness anymore in anything i do. i don't want to subscribe to the lifestyle bullshit of today, i still have standards, so i feel like i'm completely lost. i've been doing some estate planning and getting to know god. and even then, i'm not even doing this for myself, so much as for others. just feels sad