I'm quite certain there's a very cute female intelligence operative at the NSA who monitors every word I put onto the Internet. She's been monitoring me for years and she's fallen hopelessly in love with me, but she's too shy to write to me and suggest a meeting. Let me just talk to her for a second: Darling girl, I know you're in love with me, but it's probably better if we keep our relationship platonic. It reduces potential complications. We both know how you feel about me, and that must be enough for us. Don't cry. Life is joy.