The old man was covered with tattoos and scars, he got some in prison and others in bars The rest he got workin' on old junk cars In the daytime. They looked like tombstones in our yard And I never seen him when he wasn't tired and mean. He sold used parts to make ends meet Covered with grease from his head to his feet Cussing the sweat and the Texas heat And the skeeters. And the neighbors said we lived like hicks, But they brung their cars for paw to fix anyhow. He was veteran-proud, tried and true; He'd fight 'til his heart was black and blue. Didn't know how he'd made it through the hard times. He bought our house on the G.I. bill, But it wasn't worth all he had to kill to get it. He drank Pearl in a can and Jack Daniels black, Chewed tobacco from a mail pouch sack; Had an old dog that was trained to attack. Sometimes. He'd get drunk and mean as a rattlesnake, And there wasn't too much That he would take from a stranger. [Bridge] There were thirteen kids and a bunch of dogs, A house full of chickens and a yard full of hogs; spent the summertime cuttin' up logs for the winter. Tryin' like the devil to find the Lord, Workin' like a nigger for my room and board; coal-burnin' stove, no natural gas. If that ain't country, I'll kiss your ass! [Chorus] If that ain't country, It'll harelip the pope! If that ain't country, it's a damn good joke. I've seen the Grand Ole Opry, and I've met Johnny Cash. If that ain't country, I'll kiss your ass! [Verse 2] Mama sells eggs at a grocery store. My oldest sister is a first-rate whore. Dad says she can't come home anymore; and he means it. Ma just sits and keeps her silence. Sister, she left 'cause dad got violent, and he knows it. Mama she's old far beyond her time, from choppin' tobacco and I've seen her cryin'; when blood started flowin' from her calloused hand and it hurt me. She'd just keep workin' tryin' to help the old man, to the end of one row and back again like always. She's been through hell since junior went to jail. When the lights go out she ain't never failed to get down on her knees and pray because she loves him. Told all the neighbors he was off in the war fighting for freedom, he's good to the core and she's proud. Now our place was a graveyard for automobiles, at the end of the porch there was four stacks of wheels, and tires for sale for a dollar or two. Cash. [Bridge] There was fifty holes in an old tin roof, me and my family we was livin' proof; the people who forgot about poor white trash, and if that ain't country, I'll kiss your ass! [Chorus] If that ain't country, It'll harelip the pope. If that ain't country, it's a damn good joke. I've seen the Grand Ole Opry, and I've met Johnny Cash! If that ain't country, I'll kiss your ass! [Outro] I'm thinking tonight of my blue eyes, concerning that great speckled bird. I didn't know God made honky-tonk angels; and went back to the wild side of life.