Same, I never understood drinking to numb pain. I was never an alcoholic but I'd over drink in social situations on purpose to break ice and open up. I thought I was the problem and alcohol fixed it I realise there are different kinds of people and I don't need to fit in with every group now Now I only have a couple and stop, just enough to relax and calm my nerves. Maybe that's all it is, people who drink have too much anxiety? I feel more emotion when drunk with less anxiety, but the hangover the next day and not being entirely in control when drunk is an avalanche of anxiety. With what I know now the last thing I want is to lose my filter in social situations and open up.