Almost got it except it would be more like
ow wow! I almost cut myself!
oh no! Here’s your experimental bandaid to make sure you don’t actually cut yourself.
Why does everyone claim they are hiding razors in these experimental bandaids?
Ow! I cut myself with this experimental bandaid! WTH it's filled with needles!
See, it was filled with needles, so those racists claiming it's filled with razors are lying phobic anti-semitic conspiracy theorists!
You wrote a lot of words, and I couldn’t be bothered with reading them. I’m just going to go get my experimental bandaids because I don’t want to get cut and news told me to.
(post is archived)