[ACQUIRING TARGET...] [ANALYSIS...] BEADY EYES ✓ CURLY HAIR ✓ HOOKED NOSE X (Note: shapeshifting ritual in adolescence concealing said attribute) ASHEN SKIN ✓ SLOPED FOREHEAD ✓ RECESSED CHIN ✓ NEUROTICISM ✓ UNFIT BODY ✓ POOP JOKES ✓ METAL-THEMED SURNAME ✓ [TARGET IDENTIFIED] [LIKELIHOOD OF JEWISHNESS: 88.14%] PROCEED WITH CAUTION