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My church is making you do something like pre marital counseling before getting married, or using them as an officiant. It seems like a complete waste to me though, since why bother? Not only that it takes 6 months to complete, and all it really does is focus on topical things i dont care about. Is it worth it?

My church is making you do something like pre marital counseling before getting married, or using them as an officiant. It seems like a complete waste to me though, since why bother? Not only that it takes 6 months to complete, and all it really does is focus on topical things i dont care about. Is it worth it?

(post is archived)

[–] [deleted] • 2 pts

It might give your fiance a chance to realize what she's getting into.

As for the specific content, most is just secular psychology wrapped in church-ese lingo.

Good luck.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

But she already knows who i am down to a very deep level, so what else is there to know about me at this point? She and I are both of the theory that legalistic marriage in today's current form is a disgusting money grab, and as far as she's concerned, she would prefer it if i could just claim were married and that would be the end of it, no fancy ceremony, none of that, just her, me and God

[–] • 1 pt

Use the time to educate your pastors/councillors on how God plans to treat the khazars, and others "who call themselves jews, but are not".

If you can also cover how physical circumcision is the mutilation of infants genitals (you know, the thing we were supposed to be 'like totes' against when it was happening to baby islamic girls) that would be instructive. If you need a few more discussion points: Cover what the Lord's 'opinion' is on "men who lay down with men", and, How God's first Commandment to humans is to be fruitful and multiply. ie: having lots of children.

After all that, if your interviewers are giving you a horrified look, choose another church. If it's your fiancee, I'm sorry, but God's telling you he's got somebody better for you.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

My fiance is completely against it as am I, we were just told it was something to do before we could get married by the one church we liked. We ended up going to another church roughly a few days after they had mentioned this. We are both very against any legalistic, corporate type churches

[–] • 0 pt

Sounds like you both know already that, yes, it is a waste of time.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

I see it more as the church trying to suck you in to becoming members by forcing a legalistic down time for marriage. This way when you do leave, or they do something dumb, you're more inclined to accept it and move on, over challenging their actions

[–] • 0 pt

Good call. I think I was more snarky than necessary because we attend a local church that is a little more liberal leaning than our previous one. It's nothing excessive, just that leadership goes a little too far in extending grace, and isn't quite cautious enough in preventing (I don't quite have the word for that happy-feeling-doctrine of accommodating everybody), so I feel like I do have to be wary of creeping false doctrine. (dangit, just realized I'm an old fogey, now)

[–] • 1 pt

It gives you a chance to discuss a number of critical questions that an appalling % of couples never discuss until it blows their marriage up.

E.g.: -How do you communicate issues and resolve conflicts? -Do you want kids and when? -Who's going to take care of them? -What lifestyle do you expect and how will you pay for it? -What virtues make you want to marry your fiancee? -What boring, practical things do each of you bring to the relationship (e.g. resources, skills, etc) -How will you handle conflict with relatives? -Do you have religious differences? -Who wins if you have a mutually exclusive conflict, does that vary by domain, and why? -Whose job takes priority? -Where do you want to live? -What are your partner's flaws or subjectively annoying habits, and have you mitigated or accepted them? -How do you handle differences in financial goals? -What are your stances on divorce? -Do you love people or things more? -Who wins in a dispute between your spouse and Muy Mainstream Propaganda -In what ways do you expect your spouse to change, and are those ways probable?

The list goes on, but you get the idea. Churches push premarital counseling to get you to both discuss these types of questions in front of a neutral third party who can ensure you both reach a consensus and that it's not a delusional bullshit consensus like "it'll work out". Because it wont.

E.g. my spouse has a lifelong flaw of throwing laundry on the floor throughout the house rather than the hamper. I do most of the laundry. This could be a source of conflict had we not talked about it and solved it through the simple expedient of putting the laundry room on the opposite end of the house from the hamper. Since I have to walk through the entire house to reach the washer anyway, snagging stray articles of clothing as I go is now negligible effort rather than a point of conflict. Couples who hadn't talked about it? Oooh boy could that have been a problem, particularly if you did laundry weekly rather than daily.

[–] • 1 pt (edited )

I’ve been married once, as has my fiancée. So our upcoming wedding will be the second (and hopefully last) marriage either of us ever have.

The short answer I’ll give you is yes, get premarital counseling. Also know that not all counseling is equal.

If you’re already living together, then you probably have at least somewhat of an idea what a life together will be like..but even then, marriage changes things and time will bring up issues that you aren’t prepared to deal with unless you’ve already been married before (and learned from it), you’ve had good premarital counseling, or both.

If you aren’t living together yet, then sorry to tell you but you have no fucking idea what it’ll actually be like once you’re married. Yeah, you both have an idealized version in your minds, but that’s all it is.

You sound like me before the first time I got married. The attitude of “what’s the use” and “she already knows me at a deep level” aren’t going to serve you well in the long run. Even then, I still went to premarital counseling with my first wife..though in hindsight I realize that particular counseling track was rather thin and insufficient as compared to the one I’m currently in with my fiancée. Not that it would have saved my first marriage anyhow because I flat out married the wrong person, and there’s no fixing that after the fact.

Listen, you can believe me or not. But I would implore you to trust me on this. I could go into more details on why I’m right, but then I’m not trying to write a book.

At the end of the day, if you both are truly in this for the long haul and want your marriage to last, go to counseling, pay attention, and take it seriously.

If you end up not going to counseling, at least learn about the 5 love languages and take the test to know what yours and hers are. Again, trust me on this shit man. At the least, you had better know what her love languages are and you better be speaking to her in those languages. If not, your relationship will eventually fail.

I’d also recommend knowing what your attachment styles are. There’s also a test for this.

FWIW, we’re currently taking the SYMBIS track. It’s once per week for 8 weeks. We’re a little more than halfway through it.

Because we’ve both been married before, yeah there is some stuff in there that we learned the hard way, and so we already know it..but even so, there’s still new things we didn’t know and it’s always good to get a reminder for the rest.

But whatever you do, don’t walk into your marriage with the “don’t worry, we got this” attitude. Because you fucking don’t. You just don’t know it yet. And understand I’m not bashing marriage or dooming your marriage in particular. I’m simply telling you that it ain’t what you think it is. There are great things about it and I’m pro marriage. Otherwise I wouldn’t be getting married again. But there are hard things about it, too. And as time goes on, those things will become more apparent. Marriage takes work. Most people don’t fucking realize this and I think it’s one reason why 50% of them fail.

You may think you know her well, and perhaps you do. But you don’t necessarily know females well. Or the married version of her. Of the version of her that you will see every day and that you have to deal with. And likewise on her end, too.

Don’t take this shit lightly, dude. Fucking armor up, both of you..because you’re gonna need it.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

If you're already living together

then GTFO of . It's sexual immorality, and shouldn't be named among us.

[–] • 0 pt (edited )

Settle down there, pardner. I didn’t say I condoned it. The fact is that I don’t know what OP’s situation is so I accounted for the possibility. I would hope they aren’t living together before marriage and I myself have never lived with a woman outside of marriage.

But if they are living together, I still recommend good counseling.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

Pronouns might have been muddled a little there. I mean if he is (which seems likely), then he should quit using the name and the sub with the name.

[–] • 0 pt

Far better to explore every possible reason for disaster up front before getting married. I say do it. If you can't handle doing that with your spouse you're not going to be able to handle anything that life turns to you when you're married. No matter what she says about marriage now the minute you are everything will change.

[–] • 0 pt

Sounds like some gay shit to me.

[–] • 0 pt

It's mostly to make sure you aren't rushing into things.

[–] • 0 pt

I don't believe so. Heard good things. Most pastors recommend it

[–] • 0 pt

marriage is slavery with more steps. why would counseling be necessary? just make sure you provide your cattle with enough feed, pasture, and range as is conducive to appropriate care.