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It's been some time since she passed, and yet it feels like her friends, her family, everyone has just abandoned her. No one wants to think to themselves, that she is dead. Instead it's like everyone is too busy being occupied and distracted by stupid games to understand that she died. The only person still fighting to stop her own parents insulting her seems to be me. I always knew my wife and i were a team, but still, it feels like the entire world has ganged up against her.

Even her supposed best friend has decided to completely ignore me, and pretend i dont exist. How does that honor her, when the going gets rough, just sod off and ignore people? And yet, it feels frustrating to keep this entire family mechanic alive, only to find that there isn't a reason to. This entire house of cards that is my family and her famiy, implodes as soon as i remove even an ounce of effort from my side. It feels like I'm living through Atlas Shrugged

PS: I know, lots of dead wife posts coming from me, makes for some nice therapy to get it out there.

It's been some time since she passed, and yet it feels like her friends, her family, everyone has just abandoned her. No one wants to think to themselves, that she is dead. Instead it's like everyone is too busy being occupied and distracted by stupid games to understand that she died. The only person still fighting to stop her own parents insulting her seems to be me. I always knew my wife and i were a team, but still, it feels like the entire world has ganged up against her. Even her supposed best friend has decided to completely ignore me, and pretend i dont exist. How does that honor her, when the going gets rough, just sod off and ignore people? And yet, it feels frustrating to keep this entire family mechanic alive, only to find that there isn't a reason to. This entire house of cards that is my family and her famiy, implodes as soon as i remove even an ounce of effort from my side. It feels like I'm living through Atlas Shrugged PS: I know, lots of dead wife posts coming from me, makes for some nice therapy to get it out there.

(post is archived)

[–] • 10 pts

Be happy toxic people are gone from your life, build a new one without them.

[–] • 6 pts

Good advice.

If they were 'her' friends and 'her' family, then you really have no reason to speak to them if they are not adding value to your life.

[–] • 1 pt

fair point, I thought i would try reaching out, but it seems everyone has moved on faster than i have. Just for the amount of praise within months after death, the reality of their behavior doesnt really match their perceived relationship to my wife, if that makes sense

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

You might be surprised how many people simply tolerate others.

[–] • 1 pt

Yeah create a new one with blackjack and hookers

[–] • 1 pt

Can't upvote this enough. Don't worry about them, you do you.

[–] • 4 pts

Sorry if this is harsh: it could be that they never liked you and only tolerated you for her sake. Now that she is gone, they don't have to have anything to do with you.

[–] • 3 pts

When my father passed years ago, his family treated us like we were dead as well - within months.

Everyone vanished.

Sad, but in retrospect, no great loss.

They weren't exactly role models.

[–] • 2 pts

It's weird, these people loved me i guess, only when i did what they wanted me to do. As soon as i broke the mold or deviated or did something for myself, i always ended up with visceral hatred and scorn from all sides. So really the relationships from my family and ex mother in law, were always one directional

[–] • 1 pt

Are these mostly women? I say that because you are describing women. Most women only see men as a commodity to add money and status. If you don't have either, they view you as a donkey to be whipped into tasks for their benefit.

[–] • 0 pt

Yes they are, the men have actually been very understanding, albeit somewhat wonky at times. But still very reliable. The women, on the other hand, is a never ending uphill battle

[–] • 1 pt

People do not like to acknowledge death or speak of it because it reminds them death is coming for them one day too. It is easier to ignore things than deal with the feelings they bring up. That being said, her own folks saying negative things about their deceased daughter is kind of fucked up. They might just be assholes.

[–] • 1 pt

When my wife was alive, my ex-MIL would play a game with my wife's brother. They would gang up on her, and pretty much shame her for being the outlier, and that if she would just compromise a bit, they could all get along. This was just a way of dumping the family problems onto my wife, because no one in that family wanted to realize they were the ones being narcicistic assholes. And there are many cases where this happened, where her side of the family would immediately start telling her she had to be nicer, when her own brother assaulted her, or telling her she's too confrontational, when there was direct proof that the family was causing problems. Part of me feels she died from the stress related with having to deal with such covert vipers day in and day out

[–] • 0 pt

I doubt that was the sole cause but that family does seem toxic as hell. Should have made her cut off contact with them for her own sake.

[–] • 1 pt

I don't know you. I come here for the memes.

Deep breath.

You are searching for meaning where there is none. Whatever happened to your wife... Everyone else around you is grieving by ignoring and distancing from you is the easiest way to do it.

Take note of it, grab your kids and move on into different activities and start creating new memories.

Not everything should be an homage to your wife, she put her faith in you to dad. Go dad. Seek new adventures with your kids and put some distance between those that are not going to be part of them.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

death is strange. can't avoid it either.

[–] • 0 pt

Eventually, you will have to dust yourself off and do the same.

It may not be what you want to hear and there are a lot of ways to honor someone's memory respectfully without overburdening yourself.

I had a friend in preschool who ended up being my girlfriend when we were young. It was innocent enough. We were T boned coming home from a party when I was 15. Took about 10 years until I didn't think about it everyday. I, of course, buried it in a variety of unhealthy ways but that's easier to live through when you're young. Take care of yourself. I haven't seen her family or friends since the funeral. Decades. It's natural for people to withdraw and shut out the pain.

Parallel processing is important. Find a new hobby with your hands. Distract yourself with it. Find a new set of people who have no idea what happened and it will help you build emotional resiliency.

Loss is a pass/fail test everyone has to go through, at some point. Parents. Siblings. Friends. Spouses. When you hit your 50s, it starts happening more and more.

When you're young, it's car crashes, overdoses, suicides and freak accidents. As you get older, it gets more mundane. Less instant. It's a different kind of thing to have to watch someone slowly die and harder, in many ways.

It comes for us all and the fleeting aspect is what makes our moments, while we are alive, have meaning. But that meaning lies entirely within yourself. It does not lie with those other people. Don't worry about them.

[–] • 0 pt

dude, that's exactly how my family is always. Empty, shallow, narcissistic, greedy, hateful, but most of all, conveniently fake. We have neve stood together on anything. and we never will. Never supported each other for anything, well I always tried (and I think that made things worse for me) when times are good they're fake and can't spend much time together before chaos ensues, in tough times they disappear, show no empathy, compassion, nothing. I've had to completely burn the bridge with my entire family, especially my mother. And I know I will most likely die in a foreign country eventually and they will have no idea, and no concern. I've accepted the fact that I will never see them again. And that's very hard for me. I was the only person who tried, tried to get my sisters off heroin, crack, alcohol. Tried to help my mom find some mental/emotional stability, tried to bring us together to work towards some common goal, impossible. Life has been a fucking nightmare to say the least. And now with whats happening in the world, I hope it all wraps up sooner than later, and deliver whatever fate I have coming, because this life in this world has been pure fucking hell

[–] • 0 pt

I would HIGHLY advise that you look to jumping into therapy / grief counseling. I realize that the notion of therapy is anathema to some but it works and helps. I almost lost my wife to cancer a few years back and it damn near hollowed me out completely. Thankfully I have kids who needed me to be strong and eventually she made it through but I spent a long time staring at the road you are on, I feel for you bud and if you want to shoot the shit about it I’m game... I seriously advise again that you hit up a therapist though. They would do far more for you than this place.

[–] • 0 pt

My situation is not quite as bad, but if my parents ever wish to flee to future communities they will have to undergo public lashings first so I get where you are coming from.

While you can't grieve for the dead forever, I don't see why they would speak ill of the dead though. Like what is there to gain from that?

[–] • 1 pt

Because they were power tripping when she was alive, and saw her as a pawn for their own benefit. When she died, my MILs first plan of action was figuring out how to destitute and impoverish me by transferring all my funds into an irrevocable trust she had control over, whilst saddling me with the responsibilities of taking care of her son. These people didnt care about my wife when she was alive, and they certainly weren't going to start when she died

[–] • 0 pt

Sounds like people to remove from your life without a second thought...

[–] • 1 pt

I had tried reaching out to her at one point, and her first plan was to guilt me into thinking her death was my fault, and that i cheated on her side of the family by becoming independent. Then she went on to blame me for her own son's failure at being anything more than a basement dwelling loser. On second thought, screw it, there is zero point to maintain these relationships

[–] • 0 pt

Sorry for your loss bro

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