Why don't they just prescribe alcohol?
Feeling lonely? Drink until you can't feel feelings.
Unable to sleep? Drink until you lose consciousness.
Have a headache? Drink until you don't remember why you started drinking.
Addicted to alcohol? Drink until you stop shaking.
Alcohol is the modern day medical miracle we've all been waiting for!
Feel sick? Alcohol makes it so that you don't feel anything at all!
Angry? Alcohol gives you the power to fight anyone and anything, including inanimate objects and random pedestrians!
Depressed? Every molecule of alcohol contains as much concentrated joy as six elephants!
Crippling alcoholism? Quit your bitching!
Ain't no such thing as a drinking problem. Alcohol isn't a problem, it's a solution; of water, ethanol, and the tears of the gods. Drink two to fifteen cups a day to put hair on your chest and nipples on your head. Drink fifteen to thirty cups a day to ascend to newer and greater levels of power. Drink. Headbutt a moped to death. Drink more! Be rendered immune to the banalities of this world! One hundred proof! One hundred and fifty proof! Fill my glass again!
A thousand cups of wine will not suffice when true friends meet, but half a sentence is too much when there is no meeting of minds.
Alcohol: Making the Impossible Possible; and the Probable Improbable since 1800 B.C!
That comment taught me a lot about life.
Thanks, doc! This treatment has cured me of... whatever it was!
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