You might find reading about Azazel to be of interest. There are a few different writings from his perspective and it is some of the most convincing material I’ve ever seen about the legitimacy of denying and even hating God. For a time I felt that hermetic teachings about Azazel were enlightening, and I still do, but for completely different reasons. The story of the first fallen angel and it’s [angels are sexless] unbridled hate for God for having been cast him out of union from the Father, stranded us away from ‘his’ glory in this temporal plane of confusion and pain. Why has God done this? Why has God shattered and scattered pieces of itself to create the world of light and darkness? Are we just pawns for his pleasure? These are all questions Azazel will force you to consider. You sound like you’re channeling him in your writing. According to the Book of Enoch, which brings Azazel into connection with the Biblical story of the fall of the angels, located on Mount Hermon, a gathering-place of demons of old,[12] Azazel is one of the leaders of the rebellious Watchers in the time preceding the Flood; he taught men the art of warfare, of making swords, knives, shields, and coats of mail, and taught women the art of deception by ornamenting the body, dyeing the hair, and painting the face and the eyebrows, and also revealed to the people the secrets of witchcraft and corrupted their manners, leading them into wickedness and impurity until at last he was, at Yahweh's command, bound hand and foot by the archangel Raphael and chained to the rough and jagged rocks of [Ha] Dudael (= Beth Ḥadudo), where he is to abide in utter darkness until the great Day of Judgment, when he will be cast into the fire to be consumed forever.[13] The whole earth has been corrupted through the works that were taught by Azazel: to him ascribe all sin. — Book of Enoch 10:8