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I spent 30 days in an in-patient recovery facility.

30 days of going to group therapy, 30 days of listening to other patients who had problems exactly like mine, 30 days of lying to my therapist, because if I were to disclose my true thoughts I would've been deemed a risk to myself or others.

30 days of waking up at 5:00 and going to the gym twice daily, 30 days with four different roommates, all of whom had wildly differing opinions on the temperature the room should be kept at, 30 days of hoarding milk in the lounge mini-fridge because snacks in between meals were hard to come by.

30 days of only consuming mainstream media.

30 days that were actually pretty pleasant all around.

But I have been home since Thanksgiving, and I do not find my sobriety to be comforting at all.

I have attended AA meetings since I left.

I have raised my hand, and I have talked, and I have shared, and I have drank some of the shittiest coffee I have ever had.

I have had a schizophrenic man break down in tears, insisting he recognized me from a place that I could not have been.

I say the prayers and I try my hardest to mean them, but they feel like hollow formalities that God chooses not to listen to every time I say them.

I feel completely disconnected from everything and find little joy in anything.

Every single thing I do feels like a designed distraction to keep me from noticing the extremely obvious malevolent nature of Consciousness.

It feels like there is a constant shroud of evil around everything, like something is just waiting to break through.

Human interaction is polite and cursory. It feels like very few people have anything interesting to say. My roommate asked me if I felt better and had stopped hating myself when I within the first 15 minutes of returning home. I lied to him and said yes.

Many people in my life told me that not drinking would make my life better. I think that is excellent advice for most people. I am just old enough and know myself well enough to say that I am extremely abnormal in my way of thinking. I am not convinced that this sobriety thing will work out for me.

Worst of all, I feel like I cannot write the same way I used to. The words don't flow anymore and seem stuck in my head. Maybe this is just a temporary problem I have to work through, maybe not. If it stays like this, I will go back to drinking.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving,

Regards,

-Theo

I spent 30 days in an in-patient recovery facility. 30 days of going to group therapy, 30 days of listening to other patients who had problems exactly like mine, 30 days of lying to my therapist, because if I were to disclose my true thoughts I would've been deemed a risk to myself or others. 30 days of waking up at 5:00 and going to the gym twice daily, 30 days with four different roommates, all of whom had wildly differing opinions on the temperature the room should be kept at, 30 days of hoarding milk in the lounge mini-fridge because snacks in between meals were hard to come by. 30 days of only consuming mainstream media. 30 days that were actually pretty pleasant all around. But I have been home since Thanksgiving, and I do not find my sobriety to be comforting at all. I have attended AA meetings since I left. I have raised my hand, and I have talked, and I have shared, and I have drank some of the shittiest coffee I have ever had. I have had a schizophrenic man break down in tears, insisting he recognized me from a place that I could not have been. I say the prayers and I try my hardest to mean them, but they feel like hollow formalities that God chooses not to listen to every time I say them. I feel completely disconnected from everything and find little joy in anything. Every single thing I do feels like a designed distraction to keep me from noticing the extremely obvious malevolent nature of Consciousness. It feels like there is a constant shroud of evil around everything, like something is just waiting to break through. Human interaction is polite and cursory. It feels like very few people have anything interesting to say. My roommate asked me if I felt better and had stopped hating myself when I within the first 15 minutes of returning home. I lied to him and said yes. Many people in my life told me that not drinking would make my life better. I think that is excellent advice for most people. I am just old enough and know myself well enough to say that I am extremely abnormal in my way of thinking. I am not convinced that this sobriety thing will work out for me. Worst of all, I feel like I cannot write the same way I used to. The words don't flow anymore and seem stuck in my head. Maybe this is just a temporary problem I have to work through, maybe not. If it stays like this, I will go back to drinking. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, Regards, -Theo

(post is archived)

[–] • 16 pts

I like you Theo. Sorry to hear your struggle. I know how you feel.

My problem is not having a consutrctive outlet for my time. There's nothing to do other than work. No community to build up, because everyone hates each other and is scared of saying anything to offend people, or getting to close and "muh sickness".

My only advice to you is to find someone to help, something to build. otherwise it's all going to seem pointless because you're just living for yourself, and you don't even really like yourself. But, I'm sure you like certain other people, and would be more motivated to help someone you cared for, than to help yourself.

it is good to see you online. Take care of yourself.

[–] • 2 pts (edited )

Work your program and go to your meetings.

Attack that part of the process, along with doing something physical, hopefully in the service of others.

We were meant to serve and there’s magic there that has to be experienced to believe.

I know people who got sober and became staff members of the halfway house they stayed in themselves, helping others, to being fitness trainers specializing in training addicts/alcoholics.

Congratulations and kick ass, bro!

One day at a time, you got this.

[–] • 7 pts

Hope you stay off the sauce. Husband has dementia caused from drinking. He went to treatment in the early 90s but never really stopped. Recently I came home from an errand and he didn't know who I was. Today he took the car out in the city where we are vacationing and got lost, forgot how to use the GPS to get back. Gone all day. He has a history of stroke. Tomorrow I'm driving him to the VA hospital to see a neurologist. He's often confused, violent and has rages between crying attacks. I had to take his car keys.

Your writing? That's an alcoholic's fantasy. Be careful how you choose.

[–] • 3 pts

Theo can't choose anything. You know it, given your experience, and I know it, given my experience with an alcoholic father. The liquor chooses for him. The only hope he has is to make a spiritual connection with a higher being. It doesn't need to be God. It can be an angel, a saint, a good spirit. But spirit is the only source of strangth that will save his sorry ass.

[–] • 0 pt

What was your husband like when he was drunk?

[–] • 6 pts

I have been sober for a couple years now after almost drinking myself to death in grief, and at first sobriety was awful. I hope you keep struggling forward, man.

[–] • 4 pts

Thanks, we will see how it goes.

[–] • 4 pts

Yeah, your already fucked. If you think now that you will go back to drinking, you're already fucked. Sorry to have to say it, but it's the truth. My father drank himself to death. He didn't believe in God or prayers, either. He was too smart for all that spiritual crap, right? So smart that he drank himself into the grave, because he chose alcohol over blood-pressure pills. Yeah, real smart. God, I hate drunks. If there's anything in this world that I actually hate, it's alcoholics.

[–] • 2 pts

You hate drunks cause they remind you of yourself

[–] • 0 pt

Thanks for letting me know how you feel.

[–] • 0 pt

I get what you're trying to say.

An alcoholic life is not sustainable. It is a death sentence, and it will be a miserable and unhonorable death. I can't imagine people cry at their funerals because they've seen it coming for some time. When one of my parents was an alcoholic, I bought an outfit for their funeral while they were still alive, just because I thought it would be any day.

[–] • 3 pts

30 days of waking up at 5:00 and going to the gym twice daily,

Did you get any mad gainz?

[–] • 2 pts

Fucking 27 pounds. I had those nice bicep veins when I went in, not when I checked out, though.

[–] • 2 pts

How is it for you now and how long do you estimate it took for bekng sober to feel normal and not a constant battle (if you even feel that way)?

[–] • 2 pts

2 months or so until it wasn't a struggle anymore. And now I can't imagine going back.

[–] • 2 pts

That’s awesome and congrats. Power move for sure.

[–] • 6 pts

THEO!!!!! Welcome back.

[–] • 4 pts

Thanks buddy, good to hear from you.

Anything happen while I was gone?

[–] • 5 pts

Nah, same 'ol. jews stole the election for pedos, but what else is new?

[–] [deleted] • 6 pts

Well, keep fighting even it you have to take it hour by hour. The longer you do it the easier it gets.

[–] • 6 pts

I plan on trying to stay sober for 6 months and reassessing after that.

[–] • 5 pts

If you plan on staying sober for six months, you will be drinking inside of two weeks.

[–] • 3 pts (edited )

Fuck that. Alcohol is poison. It's true, but you also need to believe it. Associate it with negative things, like drinking poisoned dog shit.

I'm almost 2 years sober. I don't crave it anymore because I rewired my brain to see it as disgusting.

30 days isn't enough either. It takes about 6 months before you get over the worst physical and psychotic shit. You'll still have relapses, but they get milder.

[–] • 0 pt

What were you like when you were drinking?

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

I plan on trying to stay sober for 6 months and reassessing after that.

If you can make it 6 months, and I know you can, then why jump back into the pool? You'll have gotten way past the worst of it by then.

[–] • 5 pts

I went in for 45 days in a similar situation.

Something I hope they told you about is anhedonia. For a while after you get sober, life can seem totally grey, because you're no longer getting such sharp spikes of dopamine on the regular, and your threshold is higher than natural dopamine peaks reach. This gets better as your neurochemistry goes back to normal.

My suggestion is that you dive into the program and do the stuff it tells you to do. Find a meeting that you don't hate. Read the book. Get a sponsor. Do a service commitment. Basically, just surrender to the process and be willing to accept that it CAN work.

I've got almost 5 months now (Longest I've had in about 20 years) and my life already feels fundamentally different and better.

I've said it before, but I think it would be great if someone made a sobriety sub. Lots of us here could benefit.

[–] • 1 pt

The program is bullshit.

Either he is in control of himself or someone else is.

Who controls what you do?

[–] • 1 pt

Obviously I do, but when I do with God's will for me in mind, I make better choices.

Maybe it didn't work for you but it works for many, including me.

[–] • 1 pt

In terms of anhedonia, I was actually pretty happy in rehab.

Not so much now that I am out.

[–] • 4 pts (edited )

I recommend that you just do what feels best. Sometimes it's dangerous to stop something immediately and can cause issues. Do a damage plan. Slowly cut down. Limiting the amount per week over a couple of months.

Then decide. You only get one life. Don't suffer in it.

I'm a blaze of glory type personally but some people differ. Decide what you really want and do it, bastard!

[–] • 2 pts

No, cold turkey is the way to go. When you are an alcoholic your brain doesn't start to rewire itself until you stop completely.

[–] • 4 pts

I know you feel the physical benefits of being sober this long. It feels good tho doesn't it? I'd sometimes get kidney pains when i was drinking 5/7 weekly

[–] • 5 pts

Honestly I haven't noticed much, other than an initial massive change in appetite that went away after the first week.

[–] • 3 pts

You felt no insane increase in energy?

[–] • 2 pts

That's kind of interesting. I feel pretty much exactly the same.

[–] • 4 pts

I've got no "good" words for you. Life can be a bitch. I hope you can get along with her without alcohol.

I do hope shit works out one way or the other. I'd rather have good people with problems than problems pretending to be good people.

[–] • 3 pts

In your return to Poal salvo, your thoughts have flowed into words to paint a cogent and distinct picture of where you've been, where you are and the forked paths that you may yet tread, Theo. It takes a minimum of 60 days to habituate yourself to any new pattern. Sometimes longer if you need to back fill some particularly deep seated neural trenches while also forging a new path through the dark. You've paid the piper the heaviest portion of the fee through the initial kick and sequestration. Might as well enjoy the full ride and see where it takes you. Good to have you back.

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