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Retail; some years ago They must've gave them all coupons Week before festival of lights "It smells like wet dog in here" A stock girl says

All workers ill at ease Unspoken tension in the air Collective unconscious Of neanderthal cannibal raids Want to hide children in coat racks

Were they kicked out of 109 stores Before this one? Customer blows gross breath In my face deliberately Teenage son literally snarling at me "Come little Pfeiffer", the Yentl mother says

Back to receiving dock for a pick up Unboxing merchandise - customer Comes back repeatedly Told multiple times, he can't be here Flicks out knife menacingly Macabre grin beneath his beady eyes "Never know when you'll need one These days"

Lunch break Hook nose, arms crossed Has a stand for Native Americans
All leftist buzzwords on display Genocide, patriarchy, colonialism, climate change, white supremacy "I can guess what tribe your from" I'd say, without a name tag

If I could collapse these pillars Like Samson So they can never rebuild Boaz and Jachin

Retail; some years ago They must've gave them all coupons Week before festival of lights "It smells like wet dog in here" A stock girl says All workers ill at ease Unspoken tension in the air Collective unconscious Of neanderthal cannibal raids Want to hide children in coat racks Were they kicked out of 109 stores Before this one? Customer blows gross breath In my face deliberately Teenage son literally snarling at me "Come little Pfeiffer", the Yentl mother says Back to receiving dock for a pick up Unboxing merchandise - customer Comes back repeatedly Told multiple times, he can't be here Flicks out knife menacingly Macabre grin beneath his beady eyes "Never know when you'll need one These days" Lunch break Hook nose, arms crossed Has a stand for Native Americans All leftist buzzwords on display Genocide, patriarchy, colonialism, climate change, white supremacy "I can guess what tribe your from" I'd say, without a name tag If I could collapse these pillars Like Samson So they can never rebuild Boaz and Jachin

(post is archived)

[–] • 2 pts

This is actually a true story

[–] • 1 pt

Congratulations, you've finally written something that has some value, artistically. Its worth comes from its honesty, and also from its detachment. When art is too personal, it usually fails. This isn't too bad, but the ending is somewhat abrupt. A couple more lines might close it out more effectively.

[–] • 0 pt

Everything in this is meant to be abrupt. It is for the reader to expand and explore. I believe in extremes in almost everything, in writing music to lyrics, etc. Sometimes do simplicity, sometimes intricate. You create both for yourself and the audience. And whoever connects, connects.

[–] • 0 pt

I like this style and partial rhymes... I wonder how it reads out loud?

[–] • 0 pt

Come to my porch and we'll see

[–] • 0 pt

I think I will plagiarize this style instead

[–] • 1 pt

Think it's been Theo influenced already. I try to invent different forms. Sometimes rhyming, sometimes not. For a challenge, try a villanelle.