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685

Kept on telling the officer I was going to reach for his gun, and that he needed to shoot me.

To his credit, he did not shoot me.

On the ride over to the hospital, he told me I needed help.

He was a very nice man, as were all the people I enjoyed meeting that night, including the paramedics, nurse, and the psychiatrist I saw.

I think they all did an excellent job in the performance of their jobs.

I told him, along with the paramedic and nurse that watched me, why there wouldn't be any help for me.

I have tried getting help before, and it just does not work.

I was prescribed anti-depressants, had therapy sessions, and did other things such as work out exhaustively in order to make myself feel happier.

And to be honest, some of those things did work. Working out did actually make me much happier.

But being temporarily happy is very different from actually wanting to exist.

I can be happy in brief moments, but I know that I bring so much suffering into this world, that my brief moments of happiness aren't worth it at all.

Sometimes you try your best, but you know that your best simply isn't good enough.

You can't actually make this World Perfect, no matter how hard you try.

So you try and you squeal and squirm and then you Fail.

And then you get detained. They only held me 12 hours, they could have held me for 72.

I feel bad for the cop and the paramedic and the CNA I talked to. I definitely did depress them a little bit.

I just lied to the Psychiatrist. She was in charge of discharging me, and I didn't feel like being there anymore, or being honest with anyone.

Just would've added more misery to the world.

Kept on telling the officer I was going to reach for his gun, and that he needed to shoot me. To his credit, he did not shoot me. On the ride over to the hospital, he told me I needed help. He was a very nice man, as were all the people I enjoyed meeting that night, including the paramedics, nurse, and the psychiatrist I saw. I think they all did an excellent job in the performance of their jobs. I told him, along with the paramedic and nurse that watched me, why there wouldn't be any help for me. I have tried getting help before, and it just does not work. I was prescribed anti-depressants, had therapy sessions, and did other things such as work out exhaustively in order to make myself feel happier. And to be honest, some of those things did work. Working out did actually make me much happier. But being temporarily happy is very different from actually wanting to exist. I can be happy in brief moments, but I know that I bring so much suffering into this world, that my brief moments of happiness aren't worth it at all. Sometimes you try your best, but you know that your best simply isn't good enough. You can't actually make this World Perfect, no matter how hard you try. So you try and you squeal and squirm and then you Fail. And then you get detained. They only held me 12 hours, they could have held me for 72. I feel bad for the cop and the paramedic and the CNA I talked to. I definitely did depress them a little bit. I just lied to the Psychiatrist. She was in charge of discharging me, and I didn't feel like being there anymore, or being honest with anyone. Just would've added more misery to the world.

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[–] • 0 pt

No, he didn't, and I never should have asked him to.

It isn't like I want to commit suicide, I don't.

I just never really asked to exist.

[–] • 2 pts

We've all felt like that, man. Some of us in fleeting moments, some of us for long stretches of time, some of us for all of our lives.

I was really, really depressed during my 20's. My family life was rough growing up, but good in some ways. Not as bad as some people's, but bad enough that there was some trauma. In my early 30's, I made a conscious decision to change things for myself. Met a woman, got married. She turned out to be a borderline personality disordered person, the marriage ended last year because she committed adultery. I withdrew from her emotionally in like year 2 of the marriage, which is devastating to a woman...so I see how it happened..We were together 8 years and she felt neglected for at least 6 of them. Which in fairness, I can understand..though she also made me not want to be connected to her emotionally, or even around her.. Anyhow, never in my life had I been so low as last year. I didn't want to exist, either. I contemplated many times, ending it all. I told God one day that I won't take my own life, but wouldn't complain if he just brought me home. He told me "wait until the end of month X". I didn't know what he meant, but I know when he is speaking to me. So I waited.. it was two months out, it seemed like forever.. the day the divorce was final passed. I was a wreck.. but then two weeks later, I met a wonderful woman. HOT AF. WAY HOTTER than my ex wife anyhow, and a much better person. Turned out that the divorce was really a good thing, just didn't feel like it at the time. But I wouldn't be about to propose to this woman had it not happened.

God can turn shit into gold. He actually specializes in that. Talk to him, if you haven't.

FWIW, I have come to the conclusion that all mental illness is nothing more than a demonic attack dressed up in science-speak. You probably need deliverance. Not religious? Certainly your prerogative, but the truth doesn't cease to exist just because you don't believe in it all. The spirit realm is real, and there are evil spiritual forces that would love for you to not exist. Because you have something to offer. They don't want that. Don't let them win.

Love ya (as much as one anon can love another he's never meant).

[–] • 0 pt

Thanks for sharing that story, dude. I do appreciate it.

It sounds like you did end up happier than you were, and that is a good thing.

But yeah, I Believe in Jesus 100%.

I just don't believe in god at all.

Weird contradiction, I know.

But I do Believe in the Ideal that Jesus provides us with, Ever Lasting Forgiveness.

I just refuse to believe in any god that created us just for the sake of it.

[–] • 1 pt

Well he didn’t create us for the sake of it. He created us because he wanted family of his own :)