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538

Kept on telling the officer I was going to reach for his gun, and that he needed to shoot me.

To his credit, he did not shoot me.

On the ride over to the hospital, he told me I needed help.

He was a very nice man, as were all the people I enjoyed meeting that night, including the paramedics, nurse, and the psychiatrist I saw.

I think they all did an excellent job in the performance of their jobs.

I told him, along with the paramedic and nurse that watched me, why there wouldn't be any help for me.

I have tried getting help before, and it just does not work.

I was prescribed anti-depressants, had therapy sessions, and did other things such as work out exhaustively in order to make myself feel happier.

And to be honest, some of those things did work. Working out did actually make me much happier.

But being temporarily happy is very different from actually wanting to exist.

I can be happy in brief moments, but I know that I bring so much suffering into this world, that my brief moments of happiness aren't worth it at all.

Sometimes you try your best, but you know that your best simply isn't good enough.

You can't actually make this World Perfect, no matter how hard you try.

So you try and you squeal and squirm and then you Fail.

And then you get detained. They only held me 12 hours, they could have held me for 72.

I feel bad for the cop and the paramedic and the CNA I talked to. I definitely did depress them a little bit.

I just lied to the Psychiatrist. She was in charge of discharging me, and I didn't feel like being there anymore, or being honest with anyone.

Just would've added more misery to the world.

Kept on telling the officer I was going to reach for his gun, and that he needed to shoot me. To his credit, he did not shoot me. On the ride over to the hospital, he told me I needed help. He was a very nice man, as were all the people I enjoyed meeting that night, including the paramedics, nurse, and the psychiatrist I saw. I think they all did an excellent job in the performance of their jobs. I told him, along with the paramedic and nurse that watched me, why there wouldn't be any help for me. I have tried getting help before, and it just does not work. I was prescribed anti-depressants, had therapy sessions, and did other things such as work out exhaustively in order to make myself feel happier. And to be honest, some of those things did work. Working out did actually make me much happier. But being temporarily happy is very different from actually wanting to exist. I can be happy in brief moments, but I know that I bring so much suffering into this world, that my brief moments of happiness aren't worth it at all. Sometimes you try your best, but you know that your best simply isn't good enough. You can't actually make this World Perfect, no matter how hard you try. So you try and you squeal and squirm and then you Fail. And then you get detained. They only held me 12 hours, they could have held me for 72. I feel bad for the cop and the paramedic and the CNA I talked to. I definitely did depress them a little bit. I just lied to the Psychiatrist. She was in charge of discharging me, and I didn't feel like being there anymore, or being honest with anyone. Just would've added more misery to the world.

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[–] • 3 pts

Thanks man, I truly do appreciate your well wishes.

And I hope you are doing well, and are happy, with you being free from alcohol and cigarettes. I think that is pretty impressive.

What do you think caused your alcoholism?

[–] • 1 pt (edited )

I'd say it's probably from drinking and partying at a young age and it just never stopped. I hated being sober and was depressed so I'd make sure to drink smoke and shitpost every evening. It was an outlet for me to blow off steam. I wanted to quit cigarettes really bad and I couldn't when I'd drink. So I said fuck it and quit the booze temporarily at the time long enough to stop smoking.

I had gotten drunk only a couple times since quitting cigarettes for good and just hated being hungover the next day. I still have other vices like weed and kratom and eventually I will become completely sober. I take it one step at a time with my addictive personality.

The fentanyl I was on for a year was also eye opening because I had no idea how addicted I was until I decided to quit cold turkey after first signs of withdrawal. I had felt all types of withdrawals for 11 days ranging from constant muscle aches cold sweats and couldn't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. I knew the first set of withdrawals that I was intent on quitting fentanyl for good because I was not going to be one of those people that had to go to the methadone clinic every other day.

I'm sure it goes back to being in a disfunctional family growing up and depression. That's all in the past now and my family thankfully are now all pretty functional besides a younger sister and older half brother being derelict. Parents are both doing well and my brother and sister are succeeding and living the best life. I have a good family now and I say that because my mom lurks and I think she's did a complete 180 for the better.

I'm not angry anymore and want to keep on improving and watch everyone else around me improve and be happy as well. As far as my derelict sister and half bro I really can't change them and don't want to be around them because they are on that fentanyl. So environment plays a big factor in that sense.

[–] • 1 pt

Also last time I drank I was on fb and talking about the jews and well not in a good way. The next morning I woke up fearing I revealed my power level. I can't do that and need to be normie status.