Welcome • User Guide
ToS • Privacy • Canary
Donate • Bugs • License

©2025 Poal.co

1.5K

Kept on telling the officer I was going to reach for his gun, and that he needed to shoot me.

To his credit, he did not shoot me.

On the ride over to the hospital, he told me I needed help.

He was a very nice man, as were all the people I enjoyed meeting that night, including the paramedics, nurse, and the psychiatrist I saw.

I think they all did an excellent job in the performance of their jobs.

I told him, along with the paramedic and nurse that watched me, why there wouldn't be any help for me.

I have tried getting help before, and it just does not work.

I was prescribed anti-depressants, had therapy sessions, and did other things such as work out exhaustively in order to make myself feel happier.

And to be honest, some of those things did work. Working out did actually make me much happier.

But being temporarily happy is very different from actually wanting to exist.

I can be happy in brief moments, but I know that I bring so much suffering into this world, that my brief moments of happiness aren't worth it at all.

Sometimes you try your best, but you know that your best simply isn't good enough.

You can't actually make this World Perfect, no matter how hard you try.

So you try and you squeal and squirm and then you Fail.

And then you get detained. They only held me 12 hours, they could have held me for 72.

I feel bad for the cop and the paramedic and the CNA I talked to. I definitely did depress them a little bit.

I just lied to the Psychiatrist. She was in charge of discharging me, and I didn't feel like being there anymore, or being honest with anyone.

Just would've added more misery to the world.

Kept on telling the officer I was going to reach for his gun, and that he needed to shoot me. To his credit, he did not shoot me. On the ride over to the hospital, he told me I needed help. He was a very nice man, as were all the people I enjoyed meeting that night, including the paramedics, nurse, and the psychiatrist I saw. I think they all did an excellent job in the performance of their jobs. I told him, along with the paramedic and nurse that watched me, why there wouldn't be any help for me. I have tried getting help before, and it just does not work. I was prescribed anti-depressants, had therapy sessions, and did other things such as work out exhaustively in order to make myself feel happier. And to be honest, some of those things did work. Working out did actually make me much happier. But being temporarily happy is very different from actually wanting to exist. I can be happy in brief moments, but I know that I bring so much suffering into this world, that my brief moments of happiness aren't worth it at all. Sometimes you try your best, but you know that your best simply isn't good enough. You can't actually make this World Perfect, no matter how hard you try. So you try and you squeal and squirm and then you Fail. And then you get detained. They only held me 12 hours, they could have held me for 72. I feel bad for the cop and the paramedic and the CNA I talked to. I definitely did depress them a little bit. I just lied to the Psychiatrist. She was in charge of discharging me, and I didn't feel like being there anymore, or being honest with anyone. Just would've added more misery to the world.

(post is archived)

[–] [deleted] • 3 pts

You can't actually make this World Perfect, no matter how hard you try.

Not entirely true.

So you try and you squeal and squirm and then you Fail.

Why don't you try to make YOUR world nice and focus on that.

[–] • 0 pt

Why would I want to make my World Nice?

I want to make the World Nice for other people, and that is something I am not capable of.

[–] • 3 pts

Do you like to read? There's this book that you might check out. It's not a self-help book and it's not a holy book.

I thought of it because you made me think of me, which made me think of this book that I haven't read in a while.

So there's this one author who is a total idiot but also brutally honest about his naiveness.

One day 20 years ago he, for lack of a better word, stumbled upon the most ridiculously beautiful explanation about life and self that I've ever read. It reads like an idiot got struck by lightning and became a genius. To this day, decades later, he's still somewhat of an idiot, which I emphase because it's at such stark contrast to the explanation in his book.

Can't ruin it for you but it is out of this world interesting.

I recommend buying it and holding a physical copy. if you can do pdfs here's a link.

https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/CONVERSATIONS-WITH-GOD-1.pdf

I highly recommend. Basic premise of why I recommend it to you is that depression seems to be a symptom of not understanding life. Life is another word for God. So is like, not understanding yourself -- or all 3 things. The knowing of which can change everything.

[–] • 0 pt

Hey Man,

Thanks for sending this to me. I will certainly read it.

I appreciate your help, even though I don't think help is something I need, or can ever attain.

But if reading this book gives me more understanding, I would be slightly happier just for that.

Regards,

-Theo

[–] • 1 pt

Yeah, at least check out the first chapter. It's something I keep around and revisit.

[–] • 2 pts

I feel ya. I have a kid who I would never do that to. My dad did it to me. Sucks.

[–] • 2 pts

Who wants you dead? You, your parents, or...?

Because you're acting out a nihilistic death wish that comes from one of the three.

[–] • 1 pt

Nobody wants me dead.

I don't even want myself dead.

I just want to not exist.

[–] • 2 pts (edited )

>I just want to not exist.

I know the feeling... It often stems out of a backlog problem, not always but very often

[–] [deleted] • 2 pts

You and a few hundred thousand retail traders today...

But I hear you on the "being" happy vs. "being happy" thing.

[–] • 2 pts

I got your 6, brother, for whatever it's worth.

You're right though, you cant make the world perfect, per se, but you can makes yours that way. It isn't for us to change evening and make it perfect, but to adapt and overcome in our own right.

You're here for you and yours, that's it, that's all that matters.

[–] • 2 pts

You are one of those people incapable of finding meaning in your own life. You need the cushion of society to give you direction and meaning, and our modern society has let down people such as you. You've been told all your life that your life has no meaning, in a thousand different little ways, and you believed it.

The reality is, there is as much meaning now as there was a thousand years ago. Nothing has changed in the human condition, or at least nothing that matters. What has changed is society, which no longer provides meaning to those unable to examine their lives and find it in themselves. The result is a large number of damaged individuals who are not happy with their lives.

You allowed others to tell you that your life has no meaning, and you believed that this was your own idea, something you came up with by thinking about things. It wasn't. It was put into your head pre-formed, and you simply accepted it. If you ever realize this truth, then you can begin to find meaning for yourself. But don't stand around hoping someone else will just hand meaning to you -- it won't happen. It's up to you to realize where it exists in your life, and to pursue it. That's the primary challenge of living.

[–] • 0 pt

Gibs me the meaning of life

[–] • 1 pt

look it up in the dictionary, under 'L'

[–] • 2 pts

Cheer up theo. You'll always have boone

[–] • 1 pt

Embrace this Clown World Be your own Joker , my friend Just enjoy the ride

Btw , I'm glad the cop wasn't a dick to you

[–] • 1 pt

Dude your cool af man and I like your submissions and comments. We need you to stay strong and don't think for one minute any of us on this board aren't depressed and black pilled at times. Just let it off your chest and don't bottle it up until you get 302'd. That goes for all you all reading this as well. If not on this board then look for another place for help. I've really had luck getting advice from here and old voat. I have been cigarette free and alcohol free for over a year now. This community is very based and actually really cares. I barely knew of PMYB2 but I broke down like a baby when I heard about him. Please don't let it get to that point again.

[–] • 3 pts

Thanks man, I truly do appreciate your well wishes.

And I hope you are doing well, and are happy, with you being free from alcohol and cigarettes. I think that is pretty impressive.

What do you think caused your alcoholism?

[–] • 1 pt (edited )

I'd say it's probably from drinking and partying at a young age and it just never stopped. I hated being sober and was depressed so I'd make sure to drink smoke and shitpost every evening. It was an outlet for me to blow off steam. I wanted to quit cigarettes really bad and I couldn't when I'd drink. So I said fuck it and quit the booze temporarily at the time long enough to stop smoking.

I had gotten drunk only a couple times since quitting cigarettes for good and just hated being hungover the next day. I still have other vices like weed and kratom and eventually I will become completely sober. I take it one step at a time with my addictive personality.

The fentanyl I was on for a year was also eye opening because I had no idea how addicted I was until I decided to quit cold turkey after first signs of withdrawal. I had felt all types of withdrawals for 11 days ranging from constant muscle aches cold sweats and couldn't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. I knew the first set of withdrawals that I was intent on quitting fentanyl for good because I was not going to be one of those people that had to go to the methadone clinic every other day.

I'm sure it goes back to being in a disfunctional family growing up and depression. That's all in the past now and my family thankfully are now all pretty functional besides a younger sister and older half brother being derelict. Parents are both doing well and my brother and sister are succeeding and living the best life. I have a good family now and I say that because my mom lurks and I think she's did a complete 180 for the better.

I'm not angry anymore and want to keep on improving and watch everyone else around me improve and be happy as well. As far as my derelict sister and half bro I really can't change them and don't want to be around them because they are on that fentanyl. So environment plays a big factor in that sense.

[–] • 1 pt

Also last time I drank I was on fb and talking about the jews and well not in a good way. The next morning I woke up fearing I revealed my power level. I can't do that and need to be normie status.

[–] • 1 pt

Kept on telling the officer I was going to reach for his gun, and that he needed to shoot me.

To his credit, he did not shoot me.

So he didn't help you suicide?

[–] • 0 pt

No, he didn't, and I never should have asked him to.

It isn't like I want to commit suicide, I don't.

I just never really asked to exist.

[–] • 2 pts

We've all felt like that, man. Some of us in fleeting moments, some of us for long stretches of time, some of us for all of our lives.

I was really, really depressed during my 20's. My family life was rough growing up, but good in some ways. Not as bad as some people's, but bad enough that there was some trauma. In my early 30's, I made a conscious decision to change things for myself. Met a woman, got married. She turned out to be a borderline personality disordered person, the marriage ended last year because she committed adultery. I withdrew from her emotionally in like year 2 of the marriage, which is devastating to a woman...so I see how it happened..We were together 8 years and she felt neglected for at least 6 of them. Which in fairness, I can understand..though she also made me not want to be connected to her emotionally, or even around her.. Anyhow, never in my life had I been so low as last year. I didn't want to exist, either. I contemplated many times, ending it all. I told God one day that I won't take my own life, but wouldn't complain if he just brought me home. He told me "wait until the end of month X". I didn't know what he meant, but I know when he is speaking to me. So I waited.. it was two months out, it seemed like forever.. the day the divorce was final passed. I was a wreck.. but then two weeks later, I met a wonderful woman. HOT AF. WAY HOTTER than my ex wife anyhow, and a much better person. Turned out that the divorce was really a good thing, just didn't feel like it at the time. But I wouldn't be about to propose to this woman had it not happened.

God can turn shit into gold. He actually specializes in that. Talk to him, if you haven't.

FWIW, I have come to the conclusion that all mental illness is nothing more than a demonic attack dressed up in science-speak. You probably need deliverance. Not religious? Certainly your prerogative, but the truth doesn't cease to exist just because you don't believe in it all. The spirit realm is real, and there are evil spiritual forces that would love for you to not exist. Because you have something to offer. They don't want that. Don't let them win.

Love ya (as much as one anon can love another he's never meant).

[–] • 0 pt

Thanks for sharing that story, dude. I do appreciate it.

It sounds like you did end up happier than you were, and that is a good thing.

But yeah, I Believe in Jesus 100%.

I just don't believe in god at all.

Weird contradiction, I know.

But I do Believe in the Ideal that Jesus provides us with, Ever Lasting Forgiveness.

I just refuse to believe in any god that created us just for the sake of it.

Load more (2 replies)