Have you asked God to answer the burning questions you have? To show you if he is truly evil? If you're only willing to accept one answer, there's little point in asking. But maybe have an open mind about it and ask for an answer you will find that your conclusion is off. No man can give you the answer. The fundamental beliefs you have are beyond what most people ever come to understand. I think you would find some incredible beauty in this life if you ever find the way out of despair.