I've gotten way better but I'm still a ways a way.
At one point I was at nearly a 1/5 a day of Nordic vodka. Waking up with bruises forgetting conversations running on empty all the time. Went for physicals and everything was fine.
It started with alleviating my anxiety and panic problems. It morphed into a hobby then an addiction. Exacerbating things was my world view and still is to an extent. I wanted an off button and alcohol was happy to provide. In my brain it became known as a friend. The one that has your back but will stab it the the second it can. Stems from also me wishing I could go back. Before I knew. Wish I could back with the toxic girl I knew. Why? Cause she was my last bastion of normal. Wish I could go back to another time and place. I didn't wanna face reality. I didn't want to go down this rabbit hole. I'm glad I did but it is a heavy burden. All of us here carry it. I never thought or realized it was happening to me.
As bad as things get it just adds to my problems. Helps my progress stay locked at a certain rate and I can't get passed. Since I've lightened up. (I've been so dependent just stopping could be life threatening) I've never felt better and the further I get away from it the better I can deal with what I know and what I see.
I've found sanctuary in praying and Buddhist rituals like scrubbing floors and treating your home as a requiem from the fucked up world that is.
As I wake and my head clears I find myself in a world ripe for the rise of our uncle. We're on a collision course with history and while I'm not the person do it, although I'd like to be, I'll follow this incantion.
If fuckers had never gone after my games I may be dead. I may be a Funko collector. I may be the perfect consumer.
I'm ranting and likely not making a lot of sense but the future is bright. Everyday more people are getting pissed. More people will start questioning. We will win.
I've gotten way better but I'm still a ways a way.
At one point I was at nearly a 1/5 a day of Nordic vodka. Waking up with bruises forgetting conversations running on empty all the time. Went for physicals and everything was fine.
It started with alleviating my anxiety and panic problems. It morphed into a hobby then an addiction. Exacerbating things was my world view and still is to an extent. I wanted an off button and alcohol was happy to provide. In my brain it became known as a friend. The one that has your back but will stab it the the second it can. Stems from also me wishing I could go back. Before I knew. Wish I could back with the toxic girl I knew. Why? Cause she was my last bastion of normal. Wish I could go back to another time and place. I didn't wanna face reality. I didn't want to go down this rabbit hole. I'm glad I did but it is a heavy burden. All of us here carry it. I never thought or realized it was happening to me.
As bad as things get it just adds to my problems. Helps my progress stay locked at a certain rate and I can't get passed. Since I've lightened up. (I've been so dependent just stopping could be life threatening) I've never felt better and the further I get away from it the better I can deal with what I know and what I see.
I've found sanctuary in praying and Buddhist rituals like scrubbing floors and treating your home as a requiem from the fucked up world that is.
As I wake and my head clears I find myself in a world ripe for the rise of our uncle. We're on a collision course with history and while I'm not the person do it, although I'd like to be, I'll follow this incantion.
If fuckers had never gone after my games I may be dead. I may be a Funko collector. I may be the perfect consumer.
I'm ranting and likely not making a lot of sense but the future is bright. Everyday more people are getting pissed. More people will start questioning. We will win.
(post is archived)