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My wife died in late summer, towards september, and we used to have so much fun celebrating christmas together. the problem is ever since her passing, i have learned to hate this holiday with a passion. all these happy couples, and families, things i will never get to enjoy. all these happy moments we had together, and now all i can sense is the pain of being alone. i go to church, and yet, all i see is contempt for others, and yet i'm too proud to ever tell anyone how i really feel, why would they even care anyways? i don't want to ruin their christmas either. today was a talk on pride, and how pride can kill you. i don't feel proud of myself, and yet my ego would never want to show weakness towards others, even if it kills me. i would rather die alone away from others, maybe a silent wrapping around a tree one day when i decide that i just don't care anymore. but alas, i have a dog, and i would never abandon him over such dark thoughts. and yet, it feels like the only thing holding me back is my dog at this point. if i didn't have him, i would probably have killed myself a while ago. my brain just feels like a complete mess, and it only seems like the darkness is dispelled by the sense of sanity i have knowing god and my wife are watching over me. but boy is it this life difficult

My wife died in late summer, towards september, and we used to have so much fun celebrating christmas together. the problem is ever since her passing, i have learned to hate this holiday with a passion. all these happy couples, and families, things i will never get to enjoy. all these happy moments we had together, and now all i can sense is the pain of being alone. i go to church, and yet, all i see is contempt for others, and yet i'm too proud to ever tell anyone how i really feel, why would they even care anyways? i don't want to ruin their christmas either. today was a talk on pride, and how pride can kill you. i don't feel proud of myself, and yet my ego would never want to show weakness towards others, even if it kills me. i would rather die alone away from others, maybe a silent wrapping around a tree one day when i decide that i just don't care anymore. but alas, i have a dog, and i would never abandon him over such dark thoughts. and yet, it feels like the only thing holding me back is my dog at this point. if i didn't have him, i would probably have killed myself a while ago. my brain just feels like a complete mess, and it only seems like the darkness is dispelled by the sense of sanity i have knowing god and my wife are watching over me. but boy is it this life difficult

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You can have an actual relationship with God, not just a foreign distant concept. Because Jesus took away all your sins, you can live free from all shame and guilt and be blameless before God. You don't need to confess your ego to anyone, but if you confess it to Jesus he will set you free from it. Your church shouldn't be teaching principles of pride like it's something you have to overcome yourself, they should be teaching you the finished work of Jesus that has overcome all pride. Turn your focus on Jesus and the cross and be reconciled by his complete forgiveness. That's what Christianity is - giving up on yourself and giving your life to Jesus to be your new life.