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My wife died in late summer, towards september, and we used to have so much fun celebrating christmas together. the problem is ever since her passing, i have learned to hate this holiday with a passion. all these happy couples, and families, things i will never get to enjoy. all these happy moments we had together, and now all i can sense is the pain of being alone. i go to church, and yet, all i see is contempt for others, and yet i'm too proud to ever tell anyone how i really feel, why would they even care anyways? i don't want to ruin their christmas either. today was a talk on pride, and how pride can kill you. i don't feel proud of myself, and yet my ego would never want to show weakness towards others, even if it kills me. i would rather die alone away from others, maybe a silent wrapping around a tree one day when i decide that i just don't care anymore. but alas, i have a dog, and i would never abandon him over such dark thoughts. and yet, it feels like the only thing holding me back is my dog at this point. if i didn't have him, i would probably have killed myself a while ago. my brain just feels like a complete mess, and it only seems like the darkness is dispelled by the sense of sanity i have knowing god and my wife are watching over me. but boy is it this life difficult

My wife died in late summer, towards september, and we used to have so much fun celebrating christmas together. the problem is ever since her passing, i have learned to hate this holiday with a passion. all these happy couples, and families, things i will never get to enjoy. all these happy moments we had together, and now all i can sense is the pain of being alone. i go to church, and yet, all i see is contempt for others, and yet i'm too proud to ever tell anyone how i really feel, why would they even care anyways? i don't want to ruin their christmas either. today was a talk on pride, and how pride can kill you. i don't feel proud of myself, and yet my ego would never want to show weakness towards others, even if it kills me. i would rather die alone away from others, maybe a silent wrapping around a tree one day when i decide that i just don't care anymore. but alas, i have a dog, and i would never abandon him over such dark thoughts. and yet, it feels like the only thing holding me back is my dog at this point. if i didn't have him, i would probably have killed myself a while ago. my brain just feels like a complete mess, and it only seems like the darkness is dispelled by the sense of sanity i have knowing god and my wife are watching over me. but boy is it this life difficult

(post is archived)

[–] • 4 pts

God and your wife are watching. There is a reason you are here, there is something you are learning right now. The separation and pain are temporary but no less unpleasant. You are not alone in your experience. I challenge you to look for (you don't have to join or even go) just look for a group on or offline for people who have also lost a beloved spouse. Or, if you really want to say "fuck it", talk to your pastor to start a group at your church for these same people. I suspect you will be surprised at who joins and who understands your pain. I pray you may grow and heal together.

[–] • 2 pts

This is what happens when all the supports of society for the individual are corrupted and destroyed. You don't have an extended family you can love and trust. You don't have a community that really feels like home, that knows you and would take care of you. You don't have children to support you in your old age. Those who live by Satanic liberalism will die by Satanic liberalism, with no friends, no family, and nobody who cares enough about them to help them. It's fine when your whoring around at 20, but not so much fun when your sick and lame and deaf at 70. At least your dog has you to depend on -- but who do you have? We've destroyed the structures in white Christian society that made it compassionate and supportive. Or rather, those structures were stripped away from us while we watched, and did nothing to stop it.

[–] • 2 pts

> i don't feel proud of myself, and yet my ego would never want to show weakness towards others, even if it kills me.

This is a good instinct for a man to have, 90's man sensitivity bullshit be damned. But it's not weakness to miss your beloved wife. Bury your emotions too much, and rather than being stoic you'll just end up apathetic.

Best thing you can do is talk to your dog. Not little things like "hi boy, who's a good dog?", but long involved conversations like he's answering back. He'll listen better than any person will, and won't shy away from topics out of discomfort. Since you live alone, it's not like anyone's going to give you shit about it. Make this a habit and you'll get through.

[–] • 0 pt

I have always hated Christmas, and I hate it more every year. Jan 2 is the best day of the year.

[–] • 0 pt (edited )

You can have an actual relationship with God, not just a foreign distant concept. Because Jesus took away all your sins, you can live free from all shame and guilt and be blameless before God. You don't need to confess your ego to anyone, but if you confess it to Jesus he will set you free from it. Your church shouldn't be teaching principles of pride like it's something you have to overcome yourself, they should be teaching you the finished work of Jesus that has overcome all pride. Turn your focus on Jesus and the cross and be reconciled by his complete forgiveness. That's what Christianity is - giving up on yourself and giving your life to Jesus to be your new life.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

I haven't enjoyed Christmas since I was a kid, and even then it was pretty iffy. As an adult. I oped out of it as much as possible. I told everyone not to get me anything and I was not getting anyone anything. My family celebrates Thanksgiving. No pressure, just show up, cook and eat. Christmas for everyone is something they do on their own, or with their own kids, and nothing else.