Probably everyone knows who i am at this point. I started drinking again recently, not a lot, just enough to dull the pain of her loss. I threw in some edibles into the mix because, fuck it why not? Even though I found religion, my brain has a very hard time not succumbing to destructive thoughts all the time. For the longest time, i started isolating from everyone, church members, work, everyone around me. Whilst I dont expect them to baby me, im more angry at the church for acknowledging that i was self isolating, and doing absolutely fucking nothing about it. They only recently acknowledged it, after i decided to kick myself back into a relatively stable state. And even, that only lasted for 3-4 days max before i started isolating myself again. And whilst I appreciated having the church, it feels hard having virtually no one to talk to about my feelings. I can be happy one day and completely miserable the next, like a fucking yoyo of emotions. The worst part is i was like this before my wife died, i just had someone who could kick me in the nuts and tell me to stop being a bitch at times. Sounds harsh, but i appreciated it to have someone grounding me. Now it feels like i have to relearn fucking everything about who i am, and what i want. Every day feels like another miserable day where i have to torture my brain into not wrapping my car into a tree, or doing who knows to just end it already. I don't really have anything left to look forward to, my lung disease will kill me way before i retire. The state of my country makes me miserable every day, and i am but one against many. Sure, i could shoot up a place, but to what end? To be another martyr or outcast of society. I would say i already am. The only thing keeping me alive at this point is my dog's happy face, but even then, it's only a matter of time before he gets put down for hurting some dumb shit's feelings or something.