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It's been some time, and yet i feel like the intensity at which i miss my wife is increasing. She died in a pretty traumatic way, alive in the morning, than dead for no reason within an hour. I never got answers, or anything. And yet i feel like my body is slowly decaying from the grief. I feel like i just want to stay at home and mope, and just do the bare minimum. I dont drink, i do have a church and i work out, and yet i still cant get out of this feeling.

I decided to stupidly look up rigor mortis and how it works, and now i feel like this entire issue IS my fault. She had some RM in her right arm, and if i had woken up earlier, there is definitely something i could have done, right? I mean people dont just drop for no reason, and if she was already exhibiting symptoms of post death decay, than i failed as a husband.

And yet i feel like my body and brain are just using this artificial mask, to suppress issues even further. I look happy to others, and yet, i feel miserable.

It's been some time, and yet i feel like the intensity at which i miss my wife is increasing. She died in a pretty traumatic way, alive in the morning, than dead for no reason within an hour. I never got answers, or anything. And yet i feel like my body is slowly decaying from the grief. I feel like i just want to stay at home and mope, and just do the bare minimum. I dont drink, i do have a church and i work out, and yet i still cant get out of this feeling. I decided to stupidly look up rigor mortis and how it works, and now i feel like this entire issue IS my fault. She had some RM in her right arm, and if i had woken up earlier, there is definitely something i could have done, right? I mean people dont just drop for no reason, and if she was already exhibiting symptoms of post death decay, than i failed as a husband. And yet i feel like my body and brain are just using this artificial mask, to suppress issues even further. I look happy to others, and yet, i feel miserable.

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[–] • 0 pt

But she was alive in the morning, so had i gotten up sooner, i may have found her at a time before the rigor mortis set in. Or at least seen her fall down, or do something. I feel like an incompetent buffoon over this

[–] • 0 pt

You can't change it. Try to chill. She is with you.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

Brother, you need to stop those lines of thought. You did not cause this. It's not your fault.

Take your time to mourn, but don't wallow in misery and guilt. I truly hope that you have someone in the real world to talk to - a close friend or family member, or your pastor (and on that note, pray). Maybe even consider a professional (though that wouldn't necessarily be my first choice, it's surely better than nothing).

Airing your thoughts here is not a bad thing, and sometimes it's nice to be able to say shit with anonymity, but I think you need genuine human contact.

Be well, man.

[–] • 0 pt

This is part of the grief process but there was nothing you could have done then. No amount of pouring over it will change it now. When it’s your time, it’s your time. The hardest part is accepting what’s already happened.