Michael John Hardern
The Duke Scillonia Emperor Silina
Dame Cressida Dick Commissioner
Greeting!
We had contact recently with three police operations.
In chronological order as We recall:
At 1:11 am (Sunday?) We heard a knock at the door and expected Shane to be returning Our crystal bell. We rushed down the stairs, opened the door, stark bollock naked and found PC Wilson and WPC Boden. I don't know which of us was most surprised.
Apparently We must not contact The Queen, We said We hadn't called her for ten years. They said I called 999 and asked for a fire brigade to be stationed by the palace, As We recall We asked for police and ambulance to also attend. I had suggested that I would shoot The Queen, burn down Buckingham Palace and dance in the ashes. I said I would immolate myself in front of the Victoria Memorial first. We improved the plan by burning the palace first and if that didn't achieve the Change We sought, We would set ourselves on fire. It is a popular, but ineffective method of protest with Burmese monks. We improved that plan by deciding to burn Our passports in protest.
But the country has turned into a shit hole in my life time. We blame Her Majesty's advisors and governments. Maybe this is why We voted to return to the seventies and start over.
As the most experienced person on the planet with respect to government (and horses) We feel Her Majesty could consider taking The Sovereignty into her own hands and dispense with parliament for a while to save the nation. Perhaps there is a role for The Duke of Cornwall. Regent? Or a Counsel Council of the heirs to the throne. But something WILL B done.
Perhaps you would look into the encounter with an aim to find best practice and use it in training videos.
The third meeting was in Burgess Park where a CoVD testing station had been set up with yellow ribbon. A rather aggressive (subsequently rather random with the truth as We saw IT) security man and his boss tried to move me from the testing site. We stood Our ground. They had no customers, but seemed to be packing up.
Anyway, they called the police to remove me from Our own Imperial Park. Perhaps I should have mentioned this. And then I must have spooked them, because they clapped me in handcuffs and frog marched me out of the Park and told me to go home.
I said that they must tell me what they were arresting me for. They said they weren't arresting me. I felt they had no right to do this, were a little hasty and that the two frog marchers would be undoubted assets on the rugby field. I'm not sure I noticed the de-escalation techniques deployed until the end when PC Andrew, after a little negotiation for a cigarette, asked that if he gave me a cigarette, would I go away / home? Well. I was gone like a shot, but not before PC Andrew of Peckham Police Station(?), lit IT 4 Me. Low on gas in my own lighter. Somebody (or their passport) WILL be immolated if We have anything to do with IT.
So, apologies to anyone who felt offended. We should have moved with The Queen's full authority, even if We thought their actions were not supported by law.
And, again, We would be grateful if you would consider whether your camera footage might be used for customer training or improving bedside manner.
Could you please arrange for all, ideally together in a line for review, attend Parkhouse Street for me to apologise personally and offer a few words of advice and encouragement.
First at 2 Parkhouse Street Emerald City Camberwell SE5 7TQ which I recorded.
This seemed to be an operation to close Moses's car wash business. CoVD related twocking - trading without consent.
Congratulations on the "words of advice" disposal. And it is good to see you have plenty of resources. I counted twenty officers - might have been twelve. One particular was very calm and rational and seemed open to engagement with the general public. Jaw jaw, not Law law! Excellent. I have his shoulder number on my recording.
The sergeant wisely ignored me.
Could I ask you to have a look at their tapes to see if the excellent service could be improved in even the slightest way. Best of best practice.
As Emperor, when not a British subject, W must mention that touching the Emperor's Person is a Capital Offence, much less with the slightest ingredient of force. We are considering a response, but await your address in reply to this present.
And finally, would you be kind enough to consider appointing my brother Christopher to a position in The Met. Obviously I have confidence that he would be an asset to the Force in whatever role.
And I am having a slow no response from the Home Office in getting Jack O'Neil sprung or otherwise released into Our custody. We NEED him. And Julian Assange. And if that works, we could extend the scheme to the majority of other prisoners.
If there is no obvious mechanism to achieve this, please invent one and sort IT out.
We have the Honour to be your servants,
Michael John Hardern
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