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Life has been a bit rough. The common denominator is me, making things hard on myself by making bad decisions, and getting screwed by decisions I thought were good but ended with bad results.

Lately I've been down on myself in a cycle of self loathing that I thought I had broken free of. I've been making efforts to repair my relationship with God but I still feel that big empty hole within myself, which makes me question whether or not I really have a relationship with Jesus at all. That leads me down thought spirals such as "is our relationship with God just a type of meditation technique that helps one refine their inner selves so that we can have a civilized society but God is just a glorified coping mechanism?". But I go to church and the pastor is a good guy, saying the stuff one might expect from a good pastor, that God is real and God is Jesus, and Jesus is God and He's a real person you can talk to who can work actual miracles, which gives me quite a bit of comfort actually.

Yesterday I was sulking in a pile of self pity and tears, which felt stupid since I've done this kind of thing before and have already found solutions to my problems, yet there I was completely paralyzed by how much I hate myself. I've been praying more lately since i've gone back to church, but I'm not really hearing God. I still can't tell if He can hear me or if I'm just talking to myself in hopes of reaching Him. But I couldnt pull myself out of my stupor by myself so I prayed really loud inside my head, skipping the formalities I normally take when starting a prayer. I just said "I hate myself, I really really hate myself. I'm a pathetic fool worthy of nothing, I kind of want to die but I will probably just jump off the deepend into random acts of insanity until something breaks. I can't do this because I have a toddler I love more than life itself so I cant be a pathetic fool, I need to be a good role model and be someone he looks up to. But I hate myself, hate this pathetic fool I am. I hate that I'm crying here on my bed about being a fool when toddler needs me to be there engaging with him."

I finally calmed myself down and then Fiancé came home. Ate some food, felt fine enough to have it look like I had a normal day. Still dead inside though. But later that night my ma texted me, told me about the passing of her brother. I was mortified for her but she explained she only met him a couple times. She went on to say that the Nephew inherited the house, but he already had a home he was settled into, so he gave it to her, told her she can move in if she fixes the place up (its not that bad) and she could do with it what she wanted. So she hit me up asking me if I would like to move in and help her fix up the house. She would not charge rent because she knows I'm in a tight spot, and she's a big fan of me being a stay at home mom for Toddler and future kids I plan on having. Even with a hard working Fiance, it's difficult to afford that lifestyle.

I believe God helps those who helps themselves, but I try not to lean on the idea that he will provide miracles if you just pray hard enough and have enough faith. It's hard for me to think that God would just drop the solution in my lap just like that. My Ma once married a man after praying to God asking for a guy who had specific qualifications. He turned out to be a serious asshole who couldnt handle my ma's childhood trauma. They ended up getting divorced after they ruined his life and she ended up with some of his property up in the mountains. That was a cautionary tale of why you shouldnt just believe God will answer your every prayer the way you were hoping.

To be honest, I have mommy issues, but maybe I just have dysfunctional family issues. I disowned my ma for alot of years, I resented her because of how I was raised and how she treated me growing up. I've been repairing my relationship with her too though, because she's not an evil person, and i'm mature enough now to handle her moods.

So if God is hearing me and answering my prayers, I'm more blessed than I could possibly imagine. And if God isnt answering my prayers, then I am still blessed and quite lucky to have a ma who's trying to look after me even after how we treated eachother over the years.

The tricky part is, the location is only about 260 miles away from the E-Palestine Ohio train crash that released all those chemicals. West of it though.

Life has been a bit rough. The common denominator is me, making things hard on myself by making bad decisions, and getting screwed by decisions I thought were good but ended with bad results. Lately I've been down on myself in a cycle of self loathing that I thought I had broken free of. I've been making efforts to repair my relationship with God but I still feel that big empty hole within myself, which makes me question whether or not I really have a relationship with Jesus at all. That leads me down thought spirals such as "is our relationship with God just a type of meditation technique that helps one refine their inner selves so that we can have a civilized society but God is just a glorified coping mechanism?". But I go to church and the pastor is a good guy, saying the stuff one might expect from a good pastor, that God is real and God is Jesus, and Jesus is God and He's a real person you can talk to who can work actual miracles, which gives me quite a bit of comfort actually. Yesterday I was sulking in a pile of self pity and tears, which felt stupid since I've done this kind of thing before and have already found solutions to my problems, yet there I was completely paralyzed by how much I hate myself. I've been praying more lately since i've gone back to church, but I'm not really hearing God. I still can't tell if He can hear me or if I'm just talking to myself in hopes of reaching Him. But I couldnt pull myself out of my stupor by myself so I prayed really loud inside my head, skipping the formalities I normally take when starting a prayer. I just said "I hate myself, I really really hate myself. I'm a pathetic fool worthy of nothing, I kind of want to die but I will probably just jump off the deepend into random acts of insanity until something breaks. I can't do this because I have a toddler I love more than life itself so I cant be a pathetic fool, I need to be a good role model and be someone he looks up to. But I hate myself, hate this pathetic fool I am. I hate that I'm crying here on my bed about being a fool when toddler needs me to be there engaging with him." I finally calmed myself down and then Fiancé came home. Ate some food, felt fine enough to have it look like I had a normal day. Still dead inside though. But later that night my ma texted me, told me about the passing of her brother. I was mortified for her but she explained she only met him a couple times. She went on to say that the Nephew inherited the house, but he already had a home he was settled into, so he gave it to her, told her she can move in if she fixes the place up (its not that bad) and she could do with it what she wanted. So she hit me up asking me if I would like to move in and help her fix up the house. She would not charge rent because she knows I'm in a tight spot, and she's a big fan of me being a stay at home mom for Toddler and future kids I plan on having. Even with a hard working Fiance, it's difficult to afford that lifestyle. I believe God helps those who helps themselves, but I try not to lean on the idea that he will provide miracles if you just pray hard enough and have enough faith. It's hard for me to think that God would just drop the solution in my lap just like that. My Ma once married a man after praying to God asking for a guy who had specific qualifications. He turned out to be a serious asshole who couldnt handle my ma's childhood trauma. They ended up getting divorced after they ruined his life and she ended up with some of his property up in the mountains. That was a cautionary tale of why you shouldnt just believe God will answer your every prayer the way you were hoping. To be honest, I have mommy issues, but maybe I just have dysfunctional family issues. I disowned my ma for alot of years, I resented her because of how I was raised and how she treated me growing up. I've been repairing my relationship with her too though, because she's not an evil person, and i'm mature enough now to handle her moods. So if God is hearing me and answering my prayers, I'm more blessed than I could possibly imagine. And if God isnt answering my prayers, then I am still blessed and quite lucky to have a ma who's trying to look after me even after how we treated eachother over the years. The tricky part is, the location is only about 260 miles away from the E-Palestine Ohio train crash that released all those chemicals. West of it though.

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[–] • 1 pt

The only analogy I can draw from is that it's as if we are all toddlers asking the Lord for a drink of water in the middle of the night.

The Lord loves you. None of us deserve it at all, but he's there to call upon.

I hope you might feel comfortable enough to share this with others one day.

And, I'm happy to hear that things are looking up (despite the details of the circumstance), was worried about you the last time you posted about trying to find a new place to go.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

And, I'm happy to hear that things are looking up (despite the details of the circumstance), was worried about you the last time you posted about trying to find a new place to go

I appreciate your kind words! Didn't mean to leave you hanging like that either. I don't ever see myself being homeless or anything like that, but I could end up in less than ideal situations if the dice roll bad numbers.

We've been looking for a place to move out to, but they're all terribly expensive for two large dogs, two grown adults with a growing family. They also require us to pass a credit check which we need to build credit up for, and most places require 2 months up front and a dog fee. Very limiting since we don't make a whole lot of money and we have a deadline, need to meet our goal by September.

My fiance isn't a big fan of my mom because of how much shit I talked about her. I'm alot like my ma and everyone thinks she's a fucking nut, so this bred alot of insecurities in me I hadn't figured out how to emotionally digest because of our rocky relationship.

Ever since I started trying to fix my relationship with my ma shes been trying to get us to move out there to her but she lives in remote locations. We need Internet for finances work. She just inherited a house and has automatically asked me to move in. Haven't seen the house yet but the location is perfect in every way, on the edge of a small city by a river. She doesn't want to charge rent and loves dogs. I don't want to count my eggs before they hatch but if this works out it would be a huge relief. Plus there's the added bonus of being near my ma when she gets old. Even when I was cross with her I wouldn't want her to not have family around helping in her final years, wouldn't wish that evil on anyone. Was worried about that for a hot minute. If I can't take care of my ma, who's going to take care of me when I'm old? Why would my kid provide me with a service I was unwilling to provide to own family.

[–] • 2 pts

We need Internet for finances work.

Something to think about: In my experience, Starlink works far better than DSL, and is about 100 / month. 150 / month for a US mobile subscription.

Equipment is roughly 600 up front though. IMHO, it's worth every penny if internet is the largest hurdle preventing you from living where you need to be.

And, yea, your thoughts on family make total sense.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

She talked about starlink being available there but the location is janky, about 4 hours to the closest small town and the residents of that tiny town are really into drugs and alcohol. Plus she got the land from her my x-stepdad and I don't want to look at it, though it's kinda pretty there in the high desert kind of way. It would be a pretty bad place to raise a child IMHO despite the awesome rock structures there to climb. This new place is from a side of the family I never met, close to a river and has a nice demographic compared to anywhere I've ever lived. It has a shop and a yard. I talked to Fiance about it and to my surprise he is really into the idea. I'm mentally preparing to move there by the end of the year :) very excited to start a new chapter!