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Life has been a bit rough. The common denominator is me, making things hard on myself by making bad decisions, and getting screwed by decisions I thought were good but ended with bad results.

Lately I've been down on myself in a cycle of self loathing that I thought I had broken free of. I've been making efforts to repair my relationship with God but I still feel that big empty hole within myself, which makes me question whether or not I really have a relationship with Jesus at all. That leads me down thought spirals such as "is our relationship with God just a type of meditation technique that helps one refine their inner selves so that we can have a civilized society but God is just a glorified coping mechanism?". But I go to church and the pastor is a good guy, saying the stuff one might expect from a good pastor, that God is real and God is Jesus, and Jesus is God and He's a real person you can talk to who can work actual miracles, which gives me quite a bit of comfort actually.

Yesterday I was sulking in a pile of self pity and tears, which felt stupid since I've done this kind of thing before and have already found solutions to my problems, yet there I was completely paralyzed by how much I hate myself. I've been praying more lately since i've gone back to church, but I'm not really hearing God. I still can't tell if He can hear me or if I'm just talking to myself in hopes of reaching Him. But I couldnt pull myself out of my stupor by myself so I prayed really loud inside my head, skipping the formalities I normally take when starting a prayer. I just said "I hate myself, I really really hate myself. I'm a pathetic fool worthy of nothing, I kind of want to die but I will probably just jump off the deepend into random acts of insanity until something breaks. I can't do this because I have a toddler I love more than life itself so I cant be a pathetic fool, I need to be a good role model and be someone he looks up to. But I hate myself, hate this pathetic fool I am. I hate that I'm crying here on my bed about being a fool when toddler needs me to be there engaging with him."

I finally calmed myself down and then Fiancé came home. Ate some food, felt fine enough to have it look like I had a normal day. Still dead inside though. But later that night my ma texted me, told me about the passing of her brother. I was mortified for her but she explained she only met him a couple times. She went on to say that the Nephew inherited the house, but he already had a home he was settled into, so he gave it to her, told her she can move in if she fixes the place up (its not that bad) and she could do with it what she wanted. So she hit me up asking me if I would like to move in and help her fix up the house. She would not charge rent because she knows I'm in a tight spot, and she's a big fan of me being a stay at home mom for Toddler and future kids I plan on having. Even with a hard working Fiance, it's difficult to afford that lifestyle.

I believe God helps those who helps themselves, but I try not to lean on the idea that he will provide miracles if you just pray hard enough and have enough faith. It's hard for me to think that God would just drop the solution in my lap just like that. My Ma once married a man after praying to God asking for a guy who had specific qualifications. He turned out to be a serious asshole who couldnt handle my ma's childhood trauma. They ended up getting divorced after they ruined his life and she ended up with some of his property up in the mountains. That was a cautionary tale of why you shouldnt just believe God will answer your every prayer the way you were hoping.

To be honest, I have mommy issues, but maybe I just have dysfunctional family issues. I disowned my ma for alot of years, I resented her because of how I was raised and how she treated me growing up. I've been repairing my relationship with her too though, because she's not an evil person, and i'm mature enough now to handle her moods.

So if God is hearing me and answering my prayers, I'm more blessed than I could possibly imagine. And if God isnt answering my prayers, then I am still blessed and quite lucky to have a ma who's trying to look after me even after how we treated eachother over the years.

The tricky part is, the location is only about 260 miles away from the E-Palestine Ohio train crash that released all those chemicals. West of it though.

Life has been a bit rough. The common denominator is me, making things hard on myself by making bad decisions, and getting screwed by decisions I thought were good but ended with bad results. Lately I've been down on myself in a cycle of self loathing that I thought I had broken free of. I've been making efforts to repair my relationship with God but I still feel that big empty hole within myself, which makes me question whether or not I really have a relationship with Jesus at all. That leads me down thought spirals such as "is our relationship with God just a type of meditation technique that helps one refine their inner selves so that we can have a civilized society but God is just a glorified coping mechanism?". But I go to church and the pastor is a good guy, saying the stuff one might expect from a good pastor, that God is real and God is Jesus, and Jesus is God and He's a real person you can talk to who can work actual miracles, which gives me quite a bit of comfort actually. Yesterday I was sulking in a pile of self pity and tears, which felt stupid since I've done this kind of thing before and have already found solutions to my problems, yet there I was completely paralyzed by how much I hate myself. I've been praying more lately since i've gone back to church, but I'm not really hearing God. I still can't tell if He can hear me or if I'm just talking to myself in hopes of reaching Him. But I couldnt pull myself out of my stupor by myself so I prayed really loud inside my head, skipping the formalities I normally take when starting a prayer. I just said "I hate myself, I really really hate myself. I'm a pathetic fool worthy of nothing, I kind of want to die but I will probably just jump off the deepend into random acts of insanity until something breaks. I can't do this because I have a toddler I love more than life itself so I cant be a pathetic fool, I need to be a good role model and be someone he looks up to. But I hate myself, hate this pathetic fool I am. I hate that I'm crying here on my bed about being a fool when toddler needs me to be there engaging with him." I finally calmed myself down and then Fiancé came home. Ate some food, felt fine enough to have it look like I had a normal day. Still dead inside though. But later that night my ma texted me, told me about the passing of her brother. I was mortified for her but she explained she only met him a couple times. She went on to say that the Nephew inherited the house, but he already had a home he was settled into, so he gave it to her, told her she can move in if she fixes the place up (its not that bad) and she could do with it what she wanted. So she hit me up asking me if I would like to move in and help her fix up the house. She would not charge rent because she knows I'm in a tight spot, and she's a big fan of me being a stay at home mom for Toddler and future kids I plan on having. Even with a hard working Fiance, it's difficult to afford that lifestyle. I believe God helps those who helps themselves, but I try not to lean on the idea that he will provide miracles if you just pray hard enough and have enough faith. It's hard for me to think that God would just drop the solution in my lap just like that. My Ma once married a man after praying to God asking for a guy who had specific qualifications. He turned out to be a serious asshole who couldnt handle my ma's childhood trauma. They ended up getting divorced after they ruined his life and she ended up with some of his property up in the mountains. That was a cautionary tale of why you shouldnt just believe God will answer your every prayer the way you were hoping. To be honest, I have mommy issues, but maybe I just have dysfunctional family issues. I disowned my ma for alot of years, I resented her because of how I was raised and how she treated me growing up. I've been repairing my relationship with her too though, because she's not an evil person, and i'm mature enough now to handle her moods. So if God is hearing me and answering my prayers, I'm more blessed than I could possibly imagine. And if God isnt answering my prayers, then I am still blessed and quite lucky to have a ma who's trying to look after me even after how we treated eachother over the years. The tricky part is, the location is only about 260 miles away from the E-Palestine Ohio train crash that released all those chemicals. West of it though.

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[–] • 1 pt

re "pray hard enough and have enough faith" <-- that is the belief that you have power over God by applying the correct formula.

My hope is that if I don't get my prayed for favor and it still doesn't make sense to me, and I tried to help myself, then I'll get to ask God why the favor wasn't granted when in the afterlife, and it will make sense then.

I'm always reminded of a girl who formulated a challenge to God for one night. She had the power to make Almighty God respond to her. Give me a sign she said and she won't become a Mormon. No sign appeared, she went to join the Mormons (also was pregnant and unmarried and after the Mormon man). I always thought that if she just formulated the challenge to God differently, she would not have gone to the Mormons by instead saying "give me a sign if You want me to become Mormon". Then when nothing happened, no sign, she would not have become a Mormon. I didn't believe she had the power to make God respond to her every prayer. She only had the power to formulate her question.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

"pray hard enough and have enough faith" <-- that is the belief that you have power over God by applying the correct formula.

I think that's a pretty smart way to think about it. Never thought about it that way. Someone who expects God to answer yes or grant any prayer must have a God complex by that logic.

It is ignorant to demand God provide a sign in an ultimatum like that. Since your relationship with God is a choice and He will not force or coerce you to be a believer, it would be expected in my opinion for God not to provide those signs but instead maybe line up a set of events that would put her on a path that will either lead her to salvation or damnation depending on her choices. Her path would be much rockier than if she had been raised to not pursue religion at all. It makes total sense these things happened to her, very unwise to offer God an ultimatum like that.

When I was about ten I had a strong relationship with God. Loved that guy. I was in the ocean splashing around having good fun, and I was walking deeper in the water and said "bet you can't knock me over, I can handle any wave you throw at me." Shortly after a startlingly large wave gobbled me up, toppled me around and spat me out on the shore. So, I decided to not challenge Him in such ways in the future.

My focus in the prayer i said in this post was to just connect with Him and tell Him what was on my mind and how it was effecting me emotionally, and that I needed help otherwise I was very likely to completely lose my shit for no particularly good reason. I did slip in that I would like some kind of assistance, though my ask was too big to expect a response, especially since I bring up the same grievances with Him often. This time I had a longing for being taken care of like a mother would a child that I considered just meloncholy. after that I cheered up and chilled out. Later that night my ma messages me about moving into a house with her. Shes a bit of a character... God must really want me to repair my relationship with her. My ma might have messaged me that night whether or not I prayed, but the timing of it all was uncanny