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536

This spring the gopher and I are having a turf war over the backyard lawn.
The gopher has lived here longer than me, and has riddled the property with sumps and drains of all kinds, to the point that a quarter of the lawn has sunk about three inches.
The little bastard loves to deposit stones and other pieces of once buried garbage to ding the blades of my lawnmower.
Long story short, he dug a hole so egregious and flagrant, with such a massive pile of tailings I broke out the shovel; in retaliation I stuffed the the hole with dogshit, packed it in with stones (that he dug up) and soaked it with the hose for half an hour.
Now the little fucker has taken to leaving rusty nails on the surface, like the malicious vermin he is.
This may resort to drastic measures. I finally figured out that he is farming clover for some reason. Bees like clover, but I don't like ankle twisting lawns filled with rusty nails.

This spring the gopher and I are having a turf war over the backyard lawn. The gopher has lived here longer than me, and has riddled the property with sumps and drains of all kinds, to the point that a quarter of the lawn has sunk about three inches. The little bastard loves to deposit stones and other pieces of once buried garbage to ding the blades of my lawnmower. Long story short, he dug a hole so egregious and flagrant, with such a massive pile of tailings I broke out the shovel; in retaliation I stuffed the the hole with dogshit, packed it in with stones (that he dug up) and soaked it with the hose for half an hour. Now the little fucker has taken to leaving rusty nails on the surface, like the malicious vermin he is. This may resort to drastic measures. I finally figured out that he is farming clover for some reason. Bees like clover, but I don't like ankle twisting lawns filled with rusty nails.

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I bought a house in a small rural town a few months ago. Big lot, little creek (about 2 feet wide) running along the boundary. The past couple months been getting quite a few mounds of dirt/mud in the yard. First thought was gophers or moles. Got some mole poison to sprinkle around the house and on the mounds. Next day find several dead crawfish, some half way in or out of the holes. Now I'm waiting for Greepeace to show up at my door to accuse me of murder.