It feels good, I am doing a better job of it this time because I am not aiming for sobriety as a goal. I am going about the dirty business of understanding how fucked my brain is and why I was drinking in the first place, and trying to slowly unfuck it.
But you can never unfuck something completely, no matter how many enemas you get, or even if you pay for the expensive sphincter rejuvenation surgery, at the end of the day, I just have to accept that my brain is and always will be fucked, and I have to learn to accept it.
Good outlook. When I got sober at first it was how many days/weeks etc. I had. Once I was finally unfucked enough from just the booze effects to start unpacking what I was trying to drown with the demon drink the real work began - and the real improvement in my life came.
It's hard to not focus on your time at first, but as you clean up the real mess you're dealing with it gets easier and fades away. One of the best days of your life will be one that you don't notice in the moment, and will have no memory of exactly when it happened. It'll be the day that you totally forget alcohol was ever an issue in your life.
From myself and plenty of people I know who beat the demon the evolution of conversations you'll have will go something like this:
Early "You want a beer or whisky or something?" "No thanks. I'm trying this not drinking thing for a while." "Oh cool. How long you got?" "63 days." "Well good luck, man."
Later "You want a beer or whisky or something?" "No thanks. I'm sober." "Oh congrats, man. How long you got?" "Over six months." "Good for you, man."
Later still "You want a beer or a whisky or something?" "No thanks. I don't drink." "Oh cool. Like never?" "Not in a long time, man." "Oh, wow. I didn't know."
Finally "You want a beer or whisky or something?" "No thanks."
Someday you'll just wake and realize that's how your conversations go when offered booze. And it won't be a big deal because it's not unusual it's just perfectly normal. And that itself will be a great feeling.
Godspeed, man.
(post is archived)