I dont think youve been abused. That is a theory that psychologists invented to drum up business. A lot of “neurotic” people, particularly women, will invent memories that they literally believe. A lot of gay men do this as well. They get rewarded with attention for inventing traumatic histories. The revulsion many have toward homo, especially men, is genetic and has been bred in to various human populations to a greater or lesser degree for hundreds of thousands of years. Populations that had genes that caused a disgust toward homosexuality survived better than those that didnt. There are probably several genes involved with this behavior. And their expression is probably much stronger in males. Androgens affects brain structure. It tends to make humans *less* empathetic, *less* nurturing than a lack thereof. Homosexuality seems to be related to abnormal androgen levels in the brain during gestation in at least some cases. Could *too much* androgens cause the opposite problem? Who knows. Its likely that you are the way you are because of genetics and or early in utero conditions. If you are able to maintain relationships without being vicious or violent that is a good sign. Faking it is a good idea, there’s nothing wrong with faking the friendliness or affection that others need to “lubricate” your personal relationships. Women are really good at faking being nice to each other. We dont all love each other all the time. We just understand it is necessary to make relationships work. And we’re good at it. I just think if you sense you are some sort of emotional outlier with an inability to feel the warm fuzzy shit very well, you probably just have to accept it but realize others need that shit and if you dont give it to them they will think you are psycho or an asshole or something. If you regret the lack of affection toward your sons, level with them that you feel different from other people and you wish you could have been more emotionally generous, and that you know they suffered for it. Acknowledging that you weren’t the dad they needed some of the time might be meaningful to them.