How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should already be opened when she brings it.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog. It'll shut up once you let it in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married my Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
it's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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