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Which is why I keep mine underneath my mattress

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Amateur. What if they come for you in the night? Cast your silver into a dildo and shove it up your ass. It's the only way to be sure.

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Better safe than sorry, I suppose.

I guess this means you can be literally fucked by millions.

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Well... hundreds, Thousands at a stretch. If you were fucked by millions in silver you'd need surgery.

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I thought it was safer to keep it "in" the mattress so the bed bugs could defend it for you.

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No, you just gotta shit on the mattress and be really dirty, so no logical human would even want to touch it, or think anything of value was beneath it.

You forgot the lice make it more complicated than that.