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Which is why I keep mine underneath my mattress

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I thought it was safer to keep it "in" the mattress so the bed bugs could defend it for you.

You forgot the lice make it more complicated than that.

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No, you just gotta shit on the mattress and be really dirty, so no logical human would even want to touch it, or think anything of value was beneath it.

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Amateur. What if they come for you in the night? Cast your silver into a dildo and shove it up your ass. It's the only way to be sure.

I guess this means you can be literally fucked by millions.

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Well... hundreds, Thousands at a stretch. If you were fucked by millions in silver you'd need surgery.

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Better safe than sorry, I suppose.