This is me. Then twenty years later I start crying. Like clockwork.
You can heal from that trauma. Accepting that your response was reasonable and necessary at the time helps. Much the way that if you're born in France, you should speak French. It also helps to acknowledge that it's now maladaptive and that it's important to change the behavior to better fit your new environment, much the way you'd learn English if you moved to America instead of babbling at everyone in French.
It also helps to consciously acknowledge that changing that behaviour will frighten you because you adopted it as a survival behavior. It's ok to be nervous about changing it, so long as you take active steps to do so now that it's maladaptive instead of beneficial. Allowing yourself to experience emotion when stressed is no longer dangerous, and is now beneficial as it will allow you to bond with your loved ones rather than holding everyone at arm's length.
Working on it.
I’ve come to the point where I am deep into my relationship with the spiritual and acknowledging that side of me as real. I’m past the hatred and resentment but yeah, if someone challenges me in certain ways, I feel my ego struggling to get to the front and take action, which is rarely helpful any more. Most problems are absolutely meaningless since they don’t touch me spiritually. It’s just staying in that headspace where God is more my concern than whatever asshat I’m dealing with currently. Considering the number of times I’ve been the one donning the asshat, it’s not too terribly challenging to find compassion. Everyone has their reasons. Boy it’s tempting to give in to rage, though. Thanks for the kind words.
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