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So my father died a month ago. It was suicide by cop. He was a Vietnam vet. He had dementia. We used to be close, but family drama split the family 20 years ago. I've been an utter mess. I went from getting 3-5 hours a sleep a night to getting 2 or less. I no longer feel like I'm in reality. I can no longer think straight. I've lost 20 lbs. How does one deal with this level of grief? Like seriously? I'm barely functioning. I don't drink hard alcohol anymore and I don't use drugs anymore so I can't numb this pain. I can't concentrate on anything except the loss. My occultic studies and everything else I have passion for don't interest me.

So my father died a month ago. It was suicide by cop. He was a Vietnam vet. He had dementia. We used to be close, but family drama split the family 20 years ago. I've been an utter mess. I went from getting 3-5 hours a sleep a night to getting 2 or less. I no longer feel like I'm in reality. I can no longer think straight. I've lost 20 lbs. How does one deal with this level of grief? Like seriously? I'm barely functioning. I don't drink hard alcohol anymore and I don't use drugs anymore so I can't numb this pain. I can't concentrate on anything except the loss. My occultic studies and everything else I have passion for don't interest me.

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[–] • 1 pt

> If the relationship with your father had fallen off awhile ago, why the grief?

The whole situation is rather intricate. He was my best friend once upon a time, but that was after becoming an adult. As a child I could never do anything to make him proud of me. I was a straight a student and was still told I could do better.

Eventually I pissed off my stepmother. I was excommunicated from the family. It became a life sentence. Dad had to visit with me in secret for years.

My stepmother had my dad's brothers tell my sister and I not to come to the funeral or we'd be escorted out. I sent message to the whole family that we would be there and I would be armed. If anyone got in our way or attempted to speak to us then more than one family member would be buried that day.

Fuck, I miss him and now there's no chance at fixing shit.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

Fuck, I miss him and now there's no chance at fixing shit.

You can fix things by taking this as an opportunity to remember what's important. If you fall apart of your fathers passing, that won't mend things. I say you honor your fathers life and not to succumb to grief. I wouldn't show up to your fathers funeral armed. I'm all for 2A, but I consider it unwise to bring a weapon into such an emotionally intense situation.

For whatever it's worth, I'm praying for you. I hope you can find peace.