TLDR: I have lots experience with narccisistic parents who thought scaring a kid for life was good life experience. My biological father is a sweatheart, i wish i got to spend more time with him. (He's still alive, I'll see him again)
that is pretty insightful. i was repressing alot of anxiety because of the bills and now that we can pay them and we are ok now (fiance/baby/myself) NOW i blow up like a fucking psycho. i was sore for like two days from all the aggressive yelling and digging in the dirt (litterally, had a shovel, hoe and backyard that needed yard work.
But perhaps im just projecting alot of unresolved issues. when i was very little me and my siblings were put into a room and locked in there until dinner was ready. it wasnt like a horror movie, we had toys, the room was nice and we didnt spend the whole day in there. i think at that time my mom was a stay at home mom and didnt know how to balance her chores and watching the kids. but i didnt take it that way when it was happening. When we were like, ten-ish my mom divorced my dad because 'muh feminism' and struggled quite a bit to make ends meet (dumbass). If chores werent done when she got home from work she would yell and start throwing shit around (not literal shit). after divorcing one beta male later, she married an angry penis of a man who instilled quite a bit of discipline in me and had a temper that was off the charts. he was so toxic my siblings left to live with dad, but i was afraid my mom would kill herself so i stayed. one particular time they told me to have the whole house clean when they got home from a date. I got the kitchen spotless. place looked great. they get home and s-dad looked under the hood of the stove and lectured me for about half an hour about what an ungrateful sneaky brat i was, and wouldnt lay off until i was sobbing on the verge of a panic attack apologizing for deliberately not cleaning under the stove. my mom was convinced the harder she made life for me, the better equipped i would be to handle the real world.
i was repressing alot of anxiety because of the bills and now that we can pay them and we are ok now (fiance/baby/myself) NOW i blow up like a fucking psycho
Being financially stable is bringing out behavior you learned from your parent(s): if everything's hunky-dory, your default is going to be escalation and aggression because that's what you witnessed during stable times during your childhood. Much the same way you remember how to ride a bike or hold a pen. First acknowledge that they taught you this, and that it's not your fault for learning it. It'd be like being raised in France and then blaming yourself for swearing in French when someone kicks you in the shins. It's a difficult habit to unlearn.
Second, acknowledge that you want to change the habit. Then have a conversation with your fiance to the effect of "I learned a habit of blowing my top from my parents. I dont want our child to be exposed to that type of aggression and temper. Could you help me by telling me when you notice me acting this way, give me a hug, and remind me that it's ok to be frustrated. Then remind me that no one is going to be angry with me if I dont get everything perfect and take ten minutes to walk around the block to cool down."
That will do wonders to retrain your behavior from blowing your top. You're accustomed to a parent flipping their shit at you or locking you into a suburban cell when difficulties occured, so your behavior had a reason to exist in the past. Now that it no longer does, receiving comfort and reassurance instead from your spouse is going to feel bewildering and probably bring you to tears. But it will help you change how you respond to stress.
hey get home and s-dad looked under the hood of the stove and lectured me for about half an hour about what an ungrateful sneaky brat i was, and wouldnt lay off until i was sobbing on the verge of a panic attac
You probably know this at some level, but it'll help you to hear this: they'd have done the same thing no matter how much or how little you cleaned. The feeling of power from dominating and bullying others releases dopamine. They got off on screaming and belittling you into tears. They weren't trying to help you by providing negative feedback. You'll get this if you ask yourself "What would happen if I showed up at their house and screamed negative feedback at them for things they did wrong as grown adults which are 10,000 times worse than not cleaning a stove hood as a child?" Like divorces, locking children in rooms like prisoners, verbally abusing children, etc
You know exactly what they'd do. It wouldn't be "thank you for helping us improve". They'd flip their shit, assault you, call the cops to arrest you, etc. Because in no way were they trying to help you. They just got off from bullying a helpless victim.
There's tons of books on recovering from narcissistic parents. They even admit its mostly mothers.
Also lookup Julian blanc. Hes an ex pickup artist that pivoted to trama healing. Pretty cool dude in that space
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