I've been depressed since I was 7 years old but that is just the nature of Theo. Working out is the only way too alleviate it but my sudden poverty since coming back from rehab has prevented me from joining a gym. I've tried working out at home, but could never stick to the habit, and even though one of my jobs is pretty exhaustive manual labor, for whatever reason it doesn't do it for me like the gym does. Most days I wake up and have a mild anxiety attack. I open my eyes and start to think of everyone everywhere all at once. All of the misery that I have brought into this world and unto my loved ones, either by being an asshole, or not being good enough. All the pain and suffering that I could have alleviated, but instead, I added to the general discontentment of the Universe by my actions. I don't think I am Evil, or Malicious, but by not being the best human I possibly could be, I've hurt so many people, it makes me feel physically ill in a very palpable matter. I start to hyperventilate, and think about how suicide is really the only option. You ever think about that? When I say suicide is the only option, I absolutely mean it in a very literal sense. Like you were born to be you. You didn't really have a choice in the matter on who you were. You never got to choose if you were tall, or short, smart or a moron, black or white or a Jew. You never decided to be born rich or poor, and you don't really get decide your own personality, it is more a series of events that happen to you, mold you into who you are, be that a good or bad person. But you do get to choose to exist. You do so everyday. And you could choose to not exist. You could choose to opt out of this existence, through yourself off the bridge, hang yourself, shoot yourself, take the pills, lay down on the tracks, trick a cop into shooting you. And that would be the only real, binary choice you ever made. I have seen reality, and whoever is behind it wants us to suffer. But what about you? What time do you wake up?