>What the hell do I do about my mother?

Commandment 5

Stick to it, end of stupid debate

I have some experience with that. It's mom. Can you walk away and live with it? You obviously care because you asked. Personally I sacrificed my time for someone that I don't think deserves it. But it's mom. I couldn't look myself in the mirror. Good luck man.

It's complicated. I had an extremely emotionally abusive mother who threw me under the bus many, many times. People believed her backstabbing lies about me, and I fought a losing battle against lies that I learned about too late to fix. We went over a decade without speaking. When she was almost 90, she wanted me to care for her, so she finally decided to face our issues. We had difficult moments. But the result was that she finally understood some of the anguish she put me through, and became my best buddy. Our last five years together were the best five years of my life. Now that she is gone, I thank God every single day that we had that resolution. My siblings and step-siblings don't speak to me anymore because she left only small token gifts to them, and gave EVERYTHING to me -- her house, car, life insurance, bank accounts, etc. That helps take the sting off my loneliness while I rebuild my life with new people.

I'll tell you a bit about myself. Something that I've only shared with a couple people in my life. Hopefully you autistic fucks don't dig too much because I'm not trying to out myself. I'll keep details vague.

My mother and father should have never had children. Both were drug addicted, alcoholic hippies who didn't have the ability to put anyone before themselves. They split when I was 3. My mom originally had custody of me and my younger sister. She would disappear for days at a time leaving us home alone. My oldest memory comes from that time. She had just gotten home, drunk, with some new guy. I asked for something to eat for my sister, who was a year younger than I. Her boyfriend beat me to the point I could barely open my eyes then threw me in the closet for the rest of the day. Took me well into my 20's to get over the fear of the dark. Nothing good ever came of being in the dark.

Not long after that my mom was on another of her sabbaticals. After a few days I'd already gone through the cabinets and fridge. Having opened all the food that I was capable of opening we got hungry. I found some money somewhere in the house so I got on my tricycle and started across the highway to a convenience store. I wound up getting run over. Tire tracks bruised into my back. Knee dislocated and sticking out of my leg. Crushed my liver. It was a hit and run but according to statements it was most likely my mom finally heading home with one of her boyfriends because the truck description. I wound up with pins holding my knee together, half my liver removed and put in a body cast from my neck down. I was in the cast for the better part of a year. I had to relearn to walk. During this time I worried ceaselessly for my sister. I was the one who always protected her from everything and everyone. Despite all, we were not taken away from my mother. About the time I had my cast removed my mother left my sister's (2 now) with some of her friends and left me in an abandoned house. We were eventually put in foster homes. She was determined to have abandoned us and lost her rights. Eventually we wound up with my dad. Including my youngest sister who wasn't his. He cleaned up and quit drinking. Things got better for the most part. After this I had a fairly normal childhood. I didn't see or hear from my mom for about 20 years. I held unto bitter feelings for most of that time.

Eventually I forgave her. Not for her, but for myself. The only way to move on was to fully let go.

Now I'm approaching middle age and I'm faced with the same decisions you're facing. I'm a better person than either of my parents. Regardless of the past, she is my mom. I absolutely do not want her to live with me, nor would I trust her around my children or property without close supervision. However I don't want her to wind up in a horrible home. No one deserves that. We are white, we must act like it. Have compassion for your parents if for no other reason than because they are the reason you're here. 2 wrongs don't make a right.

I personally think family ties and their normal obligations aren't automatic. They are an important connection that needs to be continually earned/reinforced (both ways), or at the very least not actively abused.

I have given up on my dad. He will take all that is offered, and ask for more…then get angry when it’s denied. It could be money, time, or attention; all is consumed, and it’s never enough. My family suffers when he is in my life….so he no longer is. I’m at peace with it.

What you do is on you and you alone, but you’re answerable to your decisions; anyone else can go fuck themsleves because they’ll never know.

You have to honor her (take care of her etc.) regardless. I think we've talked about this before, but not sure.

Take care of her and do the best damn job you ever did. Why?

1. Because it will make her feel like shit for how she treated you. If you abandon her it will justify her behavior in her mind and she'll be content with her choices.
2. It's not about what kind of person she is, but about what kind of person you are. You do it for yourself, not for her.

Having lost my mom and not paid her as much attention as I could have, even though she wasn't a very good mother (but not actively and intentionally an asshole to me or my siblings), I'd say take care of her because when she's gone you don't want that guilt to haunt you.

Crazy amount of comments in here