I know the feeling and stress of feeling like you are living on the edge of catastrophe. Every day is torture and you wonder to yourself how will I even make it through the day. I know the feeling of hating myself because of all the mistakes I have made and not having the will power to change. I lived this way without feeling one single moment of feeling content for 10 years. I knew my destiny was misery and depression. But guess what? I made it through that hell and now for the past many years feel the exact opposite. I'm always content and I love my life. You will make it through this as well and you will have a truer happiness than most people will ever experience because of it. When you spend time in hell and escape mundane boring life seems magical and perfect. If a person never has the contrast they can never truly be happy. You will be fine and you may feel like you are making no progress but you are making progress by just no giving up. That is what I learned.
I was being sarcastic. All this data collection done on people. When you get black bagged by the NPCs for wrong think and they look up your psych profile for torture ideas it would be hilarious if you poisoned the well enough that their profile says you're greatest fear is having a lifelong cocaine fueled orgy with thousands of the hot young women.
But I understand what you're saying. My parents worked hard to make sure I grew up poor in a rich area. My friends had parents who praised their kids and built up their egos to the point of it being a character flaw, but in their bubble life was paradise. New cars, expensive vacations, every popular toy and fashion trend to fit in. The women all as vapid and vain as the guys and everyone was fucking.
My parents yelled at me daily over small and big things and everything was a stage 5 Defcon 1 level nuclear disaster. My father never told me anything good about me. If he took any time to talk to me about anything it was to spend hours yelling and screaming at how stupid I was to do X or Y so poorly. I didn't have low self esteem, I had none growing up and in a bubble of rich privileged girls I was less than invisible to them.
I got to watch others around me live like the wolf of wall street since I was 14 but I was prevented from enjoying any of it myself. But I didn't just miss out on the extravagant excess. I didn't even get what my parents got growing in poor small town nowhere.
I'll never get what I lost but I'm glad I'm past the age where that stuff matters anymore. My life path is pretty much set and while I know I could have accomplished so much more with just a little support when I was a kid I'm content enough now because I see how the despair and misery has hardened me. People sometimes think I'm psychotic by the way I laugh and shrug off certain problems. Sure I get stressed but mostly i just don't care that much about anything and it's sad to see how weak other people are by comparison.
It's also great, when you get shit on by everyone for so long when times are good. When times are tough as an adult it's now really easy for me to ignore other people and their problems. Nobody did shit for me, even when I was ready to kill myself, why should I care? Go kill yourself if you want, I won't blame you.
I get what you're saying on many levels. Are we stronger, better, or something else?
I know what you mean when you say you will never get what you lost.
Nobody ever does.
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