Not that I can't find a random side ho out there in the world, that would be easy. But it seems being a widower is a humongous black mark on myself, I've sort of just detached from people completely. Sure I could talk to people, pretend to be nice, but all I have in my heart is pain and misery. It's kind of what I've been doing lately, more isolation from people. I think my church has started noticing, but i still keep a façade of happiness, i just choose not to partake in the extra stuff or stay around too long. All I feel is resentment and hatred towards those happy looking families. Part of me thinks I should start drinking again, sure its not the perfect solution, but what the fuck does it matter anymore? Nobody seemed to care when my wife died, they were all too busy counting the dollar bills or using her death as a pariah for their own cause. And then I think to myself, what if I die and leave some woman in the same predicament? How am I not being selfish with my own desires?