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I need your help fellow shitposters.

Long story short - because of some personal work related issues I have to get positive cohen19 test. They gave me self-testing kit that I have to spit on or something, but it is really important that I get positive.

Is there a way I can do this? I have no friends or relatives who are positive and don't really have a lot of time to find someone else, so it is not much of an option.

I have seen advice on this topic somewhere here a couple of days ago, but can't find it anymore.

Your help and suggestions will be much appreciated.

I need your help fellow shitposters. Long story short - because of some personal work related issues I have to get positive cohen19 test. They gave me self-testing kit that I have to spit on or something, but it is really important that I get positive. Is there a way I can do this? I have no friends or relatives who are positive and don't really have a lot of time to find someone else, so it is not much of an option. I have seen advice on this topic somewhere here a couple of days ago, but can't find it anymore. Your help and suggestions will be much appreciated.

(post is archived)

[–] • 10 pts

Acidic materials such as cola, beer, fruits, etc. can cause them to give positive results. That's what I've heard, I'm just a stupid bird.

[–] • 8 pts

That's not true at all. You're a differently abled bird.

[–] • 5 pts

You're a differently abled bird.

It's ok. I don't care for doublespeak, call a spade a spade.

[–] • 4 pts

Speaking of spades, have you seen

[–] • 0 pt

He's a fucking spade, cunt spade cunt. Fucking spade.

[–] • 9 pts

Ask for a PCR test. Damn near guaranteed you will get a positive. Alternatively, catch a cold or the flu.

[–] • 4 pts

Go to different clinics and places giving the test. If you don't get a positive on the first day, try again the next day. Eventually one will come back positive. Guaranteed.

[–] • 8 pts

Rub the probe on shopping basket handles, cross-walk buttons, bank ATM keypads, ethnic Mexican supermarket tongs to the sweet breads, medical office door handles, park public restroom stall doors and faucets...

[–] • 4 pts

...then stick it in your mouth.

On a serious note, anything that has been cleaned could sterilize the test. Any item like an ATM keypad or cross-walk button that is in direct sunlight will also likely be serialized. Public park restroom is a good bet though.

[–] • 6 pts

Get tested as much as possible. Hopefully you'll end up with a false positive.

But that doesn't mean using the same type of test over and over. Instead, take the self test, then go to a testing place and get them to test you, then go to another. Contact local clinics and ask if they run tests, pharmacies, etc. Rapid testing sites, regular testing sites.

Once one tests positive, use that. You might have to say that you didn't trust the home test and wanted to get tested at - the place that gave you the false positive - because you thought it would be more reliable.

[–] • 5 pts

Dip it in Mountain Dew

[–] • 4 pts

Get a sharpie that's the color of the line and just stencil it in.

[–] • 3 pts

School kids have hacked this for a specific type of test. They type of test contains the word flow, but i do not recall the entire name. I think they were swishing coca cola and orange juice. If you look for this you will find it.

You need to be sure of test type.

[–] • 2 pts

Just use a goat and a paw paw fruit

[–] • 1 pt

Stop lying to your job to sip out on work.

[–] • 1 pt

Dip it in a can of Woka-Cola, apparently it has tested "positive" for the "covid".

[–] • 1 pt

Does this mean you fucked off and now need to prove yourself sick to keep your job?

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