Drinking and many other vices are downers not uppers. Uppers aren't a good idea either while you're depressed as you're likely to develop borderline personality or other similarly dangerous mental states. You need to level out, quit drinking cold turkey. Get sleep, drink water, exercise, you'll feel incredible after two weeks I promise. I've done it. Use that time to focus on a hobby or to consider your skillset. How to move forward instead of dwelling. You need a new life and you're not gonna find one where you're at right now. Other people are the root cause of only half of anyone's problems. You're not incarcerated, you're not missing any of your limbs (assumedly), you don't believe crazy shit like that you're a woman or anything like that. Most likely all that's happening is you're drinking, masturbating too much, not eating good food, not formulating mostly positive interactions with people around you, and not looking forward. Half the problems in your life are under your control.