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I don't come from the best family, and I don't have the best past. I had a wife, but she died. I had a family, but they have treated me like dumpster shit from the day I was born. I feel like I strived so hard to make them happy, and yet all I got back was being taken advantage of. I paid off my brother's student loans one day, and I don't even get a passing acknowledgement anymore of doing this. Sure it gets mentioned, but only in the sense it was done, and that's pretty much it. Same with most everyone in my extended family, no one sees me as a person, so much as a tool of their own use, which can be discarded when I'm no longer useful to them.

Recently I joined a church, a really nice church. The people are 100% white, super caring, my brain loved it at first. But now, my brain is super conflicted. I have no idea why, but my brain simply is not accustomed to people being authentically nice. Sure, I know deep down they mean well, but I almost feel like crying in the car on the way home, and I don't understand why. These people generally like being around me, but i cant help but feel like all these people secretly hate me for some reason. And yet they have no reason to hate me. They even baked me an apple pie, and yet i still think back to my mom calling me a fat fuck when i was underweight, and how eating apple pie really isn't a good idea. I know i shouldnt let it get to me, and yet i cant stop it.

One of my mom's favorite forms of punishment as a child, was to physically isolate my brother and I into these dark rooms, with no noise, for a few hours. The idea being that my mom preferred psychological torture techniques, over physical torture techniques. She would routinely humiliate us in public by saying she should have aborted us, how we always sucked as children, how we needed to bail out her pension, etc. It made use feel ashamed to be alive. And people only seem to focus on the physical punishment, but being 7 and having your mom tell you she wished you were dead does seem to do much deeper damage than being slapped on the butt.

I don't come from the best family, and I don't have the best past. I had a wife, but she died. I had a family, but they have treated me like dumpster shit from the day I was born. I feel like I strived so hard to make them happy, and yet all I got back was being taken advantage of. I paid off my brother's student loans one day, and I don't even get a passing acknowledgement anymore of doing this. Sure it gets mentioned, but only in the sense it was done, and that's pretty much it. Same with most everyone in my extended family, no one sees me as a person, so much as a tool of their own use, which can be discarded when I'm no longer useful to them. Recently I joined a church, a really nice church. The people are 100% white, super caring, my brain loved it at first. But now, my brain is super conflicted. I have no idea why, but my brain simply is not accustomed to people being authentically nice. Sure, I know deep down they mean well, but I almost feel like crying in the car on the way home, and I don't understand why. These people generally like being around me, but i cant help but feel like all these people secretly hate me for some reason. And yet they have no reason to hate me. They even baked me an apple pie, and yet i still think back to my mom calling me a fat fuck when i was underweight, and how eating apple pie really isn't a good idea. I know i shouldnt let it get to me, and yet i cant stop it. One of my mom's favorite forms of punishment as a child, was to physically isolate my brother and I into these dark rooms, with no noise, for a few hours. The idea being that my mom preferred psychological torture techniques, over physical torture techniques. She would routinely humiliate us in public by saying she should have aborted us, how we always sucked as children, how we needed to bail out her pension, etc. It made use feel ashamed to be alive. And people only seem to focus on the physical punishment, but being 7 and having your mom tell you she wished you were dead does seem to do much deeper damage than being slapped on the butt.

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[–] • 1 pt

Back in the day, my parents were harsh because the world was harsh. You had to be tough to survive. Like as not, they likely never knew any other way. Even the schools used to beat the students. That was not only normal, we may be going back to that soon.

But let me explain something else that is very important for you, personally. They say not to hate your enemies, but why? Why is because the hatred you experience occurs in your own mind. Short of any attack you may launch on your enemies, the damaging experience of that hatred is happening only to you. It is affecting your conscious experience of this reality. It is bringing down your day. It is holding back your life. For some people, this goes on their entire lives.

It's not so much that the church people are being nice to you specifically, as they are being nice to everyone in general, all of the time. It's kind of like a form of self brainwashing. When you keep your mind focused on happy thoughts, those are the neural pathways in your brain that are strengthened, that are reinforced chemically by the body, over time. You reach a point of conscious awareness where happiness is nearly all that you ever experience. They have become genuinely nice people.

That is a very different life experience than the one filled with hatred and pain. You have only one real power in this reality, just the one, and that is the power to choose. That is the power of your free will. A gift from God, and the only thing you really need. Choose happiness. Deliberately. Go out of your way to be happy, to be nice, to be caring. Go out of your way to have a joyful experience, and turn away from the negative. Spread this happiness to others. It is it's own reward.

Over time, your neural pathways will reprogram themselves. Sixty to ninety days. The pathways associated with happiness will become more powerful. You will get a greater and greater chemical reward from this. Free drugs made in your own body. Meanwhile, the neurons associated with all of that pain will begin to fade. They grow weaker and slowly atrophy. Eventually, you will be nearly immune to the negative emotional impact of almost any form of hatred. It practically will not register in your mind. That doesn't mean you are unaware of it, only that it has but a minimal emotional impact upon you.

You see, I do not hate my enemies. Not anymore. Actually, I feel sorry for them. They are on a path of total destruction, and they are already living in hell and don't even know it. This is the choice they make, accidentally, or deliberately, and it rules their entire experience in this place. They get stuck in these patterns, and they will never find happiness on this path. When they die and go to hell, they might not even notice the difference.

[–] • 2 pts

Give your church family a chance bro. Guess what ? These people will eventually do something , maybe even unintentional , that will hurt you , or make you upset. Don't fuck up a good thing by being a pussy and ghosting them.

Good people are still imperfect people. Confront problems ( with love of course ) and talk shit out. Uncomfortable yes but part of having healthy adult relationships is the ability to work through problems. Church could be great for u man.