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I don't come from the best family, and I don't have the best past. I had a wife, but she died. I had a family, but they have treated me like dumpster shit from the day I was born. I feel like I strived so hard to make them happy, and yet all I got back was being taken advantage of. I paid off my brother's student loans one day, and I don't even get a passing acknowledgement anymore of doing this. Sure it gets mentioned, but only in the sense it was done, and that's pretty much it. Same with most everyone in my extended family, no one sees me as a person, so much as a tool of their own use, which can be discarded when I'm no longer useful to them.

Recently I joined a church, a really nice church. The people are 100% white, super caring, my brain loved it at first. But now, my brain is super conflicted. I have no idea why, but my brain simply is not accustomed to people being authentically nice. Sure, I know deep down they mean well, but I almost feel like crying in the car on the way home, and I don't understand why. These people generally like being around me, but i cant help but feel like all these people secretly hate me for some reason. And yet they have no reason to hate me. They even baked me an apple pie, and yet i still think back to my mom calling me a fat fuck when i was underweight, and how eating apple pie really isn't a good idea. I know i shouldnt let it get to me, and yet i cant stop it.

One of my mom's favorite forms of punishment as a child, was to physically isolate my brother and I into these dark rooms, with no noise, for a few hours. The idea being that my mom preferred psychological torture techniques, over physical torture techniques. She would routinely humiliate us in public by saying she should have aborted us, how we always sucked as children, how we needed to bail out her pension, etc. It made use feel ashamed to be alive. And people only seem to focus on the physical punishment, but being 7 and having your mom tell you she wished you were dead does seem to do much deeper damage than being slapped on the butt.

I don't come from the best family, and I don't have the best past. I had a wife, but she died. I had a family, but they have treated me like dumpster shit from the day I was born. I feel like I strived so hard to make them happy, and yet all I got back was being taken advantage of. I paid off my brother's student loans one day, and I don't even get a passing acknowledgement anymore of doing this. Sure it gets mentioned, but only in the sense it was done, and that's pretty much it. Same with most everyone in my extended family, no one sees me as a person, so much as a tool of their own use, which can be discarded when I'm no longer useful to them. Recently I joined a church, a really nice church. The people are 100% white, super caring, my brain loved it at first. But now, my brain is super conflicted. I have no idea why, but my brain simply is not accustomed to people being authentically nice. Sure, I know deep down they mean well, but I almost feel like crying in the car on the way home, and I don't understand why. These people generally like being around me, but i cant help but feel like all these people secretly hate me for some reason. And yet they have no reason to hate me. They even baked me an apple pie, and yet i still think back to my mom calling me a fat fuck when i was underweight, and how eating apple pie really isn't a good idea. I know i shouldnt let it get to me, and yet i cant stop it. One of my mom's favorite forms of punishment as a child, was to physically isolate my brother and I into these dark rooms, with no noise, for a few hours. The idea being that my mom preferred psychological torture techniques, over physical torture techniques. She would routinely humiliate us in public by saying she should have aborted us, how we always sucked as children, how we needed to bail out her pension, etc. It made use feel ashamed to be alive. And people only seem to focus on the physical punishment, but being 7 and having your mom tell you she wished you were dead does seem to do much deeper damage than being slapped on the butt.

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[–] • 9 pts

I can relate on some level. Family stuff is a deep pain.

It's good you have this new church group. Embrace it and don't worry about the uncomfortable parts, if you're used to people who don't act right it's gonna feel "off" when people do, but you'll adjust to that.

Hope more good things come your way

[–] [deleted] • 3 pts

I'm only replying in-thread because I'm hijacking the high score of this commenter. I'm sorry but I felt it was important for OP to see this....

OP, your situation so much like mine that I had to check the timestamp to make sure I didn't post it in some soft of half-awake stupor. ;)

I suppose everyone is different but here's what I would suggest as it has helped me... find a marital art, join a gym, dedicate yourself to both for a year. Pushing to your physical limits and then expanding those limits will teach you how to regulate your emotions and it will build confidence. Once you are closer to a "normal" level of confidence, try to form male friendships within your church. If you are too far from baseline and you try to reach out to them too early they may not accept you. You'll have to judge that for yourself.

It took me 10 years to acknowledge that my family was a huge crab bucket and that I needed to rebuild a new, non-blood, family.

Good luck.

[–] • 2 pts

Wow, what a jewy thing, hopping on other's comments because you "felt it was important for OP to see this...". I always wondered how people got those badges. Fag is high enough level to know that OP gets notifications from all replies to his post, not just the top ones... or, you know, tag OP in your reply.

[–] • 1 pt

Especially when the entire thread only takes 5 minutes to read. Even bottom comments are seen on poal

[–] • 0 pt

Yes, but his comment seemed genuine though, and positive. He's clearly been through some shit too, I'm more concerned about that than a minor breach in forum etiquette. I say he gets a pass on this one.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

I got the Grabbler for telling AOU to go fuck himself. And the mods continue to nuke my comments daily even though it was months back. So, no, I don't respect the rules of this site. Fuck the mods.

Don't hate the player. Hate the game.