I don't come from the best family, and I don't have the best past. I had a wife, but she died. I had a family, but they have treated me like dumpster shit from the day I was born. I feel like I strived so hard to make them happy, and yet all I got back was being taken advantage of. I paid off my brother's student loans one day, and I don't even get a passing acknowledgement anymore of doing this. Sure it gets mentioned, but only in the sense it was done, and that's pretty much it. Same with most everyone in my extended family, no one sees me as a person, so much as a tool of their own use, which can be discarded when I'm no longer useful to them.
Recently I joined a church, a really nice church. The people are 100% white, super caring, my brain loved it at first. But now, my brain is super conflicted. I have no idea why, but my brain simply is not accustomed to people being authentically nice. Sure, I know deep down they mean well, but I almost feel like crying in the car on the way home, and I don't understand why. These people generally like being around me, but i cant help but feel like all these people secretly hate me for some reason. And yet they have no reason to hate me. They even baked me an apple pie, and yet i still think back to my mom calling me a fat fuck when i was underweight, and how eating apple pie really isn't a good idea. I know i shouldnt let it get to me, and yet i cant stop it.
One of my mom's favorite forms of punishment as a child, was to physically isolate my brother and I into these dark rooms, with no noise, for a few hours. The idea being that my mom preferred psychological torture techniques, over physical torture techniques. She would routinely humiliate us in public by saying she should have aborted us, how we always sucked as children, how we needed to bail out her pension, etc. It made use feel ashamed to be alive. And people only seem to focus on the physical punishment, but being 7 and having your mom tell you she wished you were dead does seem to do much deeper damage than being slapped on the butt.
I don't come from the best family, and I don't have the best past. I had a wife, but she died. I had a family, but they have treated me like dumpster shit from the day I was born. I feel like I strived so hard to make them happy, and yet all I got back was being taken advantage of. I paid off my brother's student loans one day, and I don't even get a passing acknowledgement anymore of doing this. Sure it gets mentioned, but only in the sense it was done, and that's pretty much it. Same with most everyone in my extended family, no one sees me as a person, so much as a tool of their own use, which can be discarded when I'm no longer useful to them.
Recently I joined a church, a really nice church. The people are 100% white, super caring, my brain loved it at first. But now, my brain is super conflicted. I have no idea why, but my brain simply is not accustomed to people being authentically nice. Sure, I know deep down they mean well, but I almost feel like crying in the car on the way home, and I don't understand why. These people generally like being around me, but i cant help but feel like all these people secretly hate me for some reason. And yet they have no reason to hate me. They even baked me an apple pie, and yet i still think back to my mom calling me a fat fuck when i was underweight, and how eating apple pie really isn't a good idea. I know i shouldnt let it get to me, and yet i cant stop it.
One of my mom's favorite forms of punishment as a child, was to physically isolate my brother and I into these dark rooms, with no noise, for a few hours. The idea being that my mom preferred psychological torture techniques, over physical torture techniques. She would routinely humiliate us in public by saying she should have aborted us, how we always sucked as children, how we needed to bail out her pension, etc. It made use feel ashamed to be alive. And people only seem to focus on the physical punishment, but being 7 and having your mom tell you she wished you were dead does seem to do much deeper damage than being slapped on the butt.
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