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I don't come from the best family, and I don't have the best past. I had a wife, but she died. I had a family, but they have treated me like dumpster shit from the day I was born. I feel like I strived so hard to make them happy, and yet all I got back was being taken advantage of. I paid off my brother's student loans one day, and I don't even get a passing acknowledgement anymore of doing this. Sure it gets mentioned, but only in the sense it was done, and that's pretty much it. Same with most everyone in my extended family, no one sees me as a person, so much as a tool of their own use, which can be discarded when I'm no longer useful to them.

Recently I joined a church, a really nice church. The people are 100% white, super caring, my brain loved it at first. But now, my brain is super conflicted. I have no idea why, but my brain simply is not accustomed to people being authentically nice. Sure, I know deep down they mean well, but I almost feel like crying in the car on the way home, and I don't understand why. These people generally like being around me, but i cant help but feel like all these people secretly hate me for some reason. And yet they have no reason to hate me. They even baked me an apple pie, and yet i still think back to my mom calling me a fat fuck when i was underweight, and how eating apple pie really isn't a good idea. I know i shouldnt let it get to me, and yet i cant stop it.

One of my mom's favorite forms of punishment as a child, was to physically isolate my brother and I into these dark rooms, with no noise, for a few hours. The idea being that my mom preferred psychological torture techniques, over physical torture techniques. She would routinely humiliate us in public by saying she should have aborted us, how we always sucked as children, how we needed to bail out her pension, etc. It made use feel ashamed to be alive. And people only seem to focus on the physical punishment, but being 7 and having your mom tell you she wished you were dead does seem to do much deeper damage than being slapped on the butt.

I don't come from the best family, and I don't have the best past. I had a wife, but she died. I had a family, but they have treated me like dumpster shit from the day I was born. I feel like I strived so hard to make them happy, and yet all I got back was being taken advantage of. I paid off my brother's student loans one day, and I don't even get a passing acknowledgement anymore of doing this. Sure it gets mentioned, but only in the sense it was done, and that's pretty much it. Same with most everyone in my extended family, no one sees me as a person, so much as a tool of their own use, which can be discarded when I'm no longer useful to them. Recently I joined a church, a really nice church. The people are 100% white, super caring, my brain loved it at first. But now, my brain is super conflicted. I have no idea why, but my brain simply is not accustomed to people being authentically nice. Sure, I know deep down they mean well, but I almost feel like crying in the car on the way home, and I don't understand why. These people generally like being around me, but i cant help but feel like all these people secretly hate me for some reason. And yet they have no reason to hate me. They even baked me an apple pie, and yet i still think back to my mom calling me a fat fuck when i was underweight, and how eating apple pie really isn't a good idea. I know i shouldnt let it get to me, and yet i cant stop it. One of my mom's favorite forms of punishment as a child, was to physically isolate my brother and I into these dark rooms, with no noise, for a few hours. The idea being that my mom preferred psychological torture techniques, over physical torture techniques. She would routinely humiliate us in public by saying she should have aborted us, how we always sucked as children, how we needed to bail out her pension, etc. It made use feel ashamed to be alive. And people only seem to focus on the physical punishment, but being 7 and having your mom tell you she wished you were dead does seem to do much deeper damage than being slapped on the butt.

(post is archived)

[–] • 9 pts

I can relate on some level. Family stuff is a deep pain.

It's good you have this new church group. Embrace it and don't worry about the uncomfortable parts, if you're used to people who don't act right it's gonna feel "off" when people do, but you'll adjust to that.

Hope more good things come your way

[–] [deleted] • 3 pts

I'm only replying in-thread because I'm hijacking the high score of this commenter. I'm sorry but I felt it was important for OP to see this....

OP, your situation so much like mine that I had to check the timestamp to make sure I didn't post it in some soft of half-awake stupor. ;)

I suppose everyone is different but here's what I would suggest as it has helped me... find a marital art, join a gym, dedicate yourself to both for a year. Pushing to your physical limits and then expanding those limits will teach you how to regulate your emotions and it will build confidence. Once you are closer to a "normal" level of confidence, try to form male friendships within your church. If you are too far from baseline and you try to reach out to them too early they may not accept you. You'll have to judge that for yourself.

It took me 10 years to acknowledge that my family was a huge crab bucket and that I needed to rebuild a new, non-blood, family.

Good luck.

[–] • 2 pts

Wow, what a jewy thing, hopping on other's comments because you "felt it was important for OP to see this...". I always wondered how people got those badges. Fag is high enough level to know that OP gets notifications from all replies to his post, not just the top ones... or, you know, tag OP in your reply.

[–] • 1 pt

Especially when the entire thread only takes 5 minutes to read. Even bottom comments are seen on poal

[–] • 0 pt

Yes, but his comment seemed genuine though, and positive. He's clearly been through some shit too, I'm more concerned about that than a minor breach in forum etiquette. I say he gets a pass on this one.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

I got the Grabbler for telling AOU to go fuck himself. And the mods continue to nuke my comments daily even though it was months back. So, no, I don't respect the rules of this site. Fuck the mods.

Don't hate the player. Hate the game.

[–] • 4 pts

Bear this in mind. Every single one of us has had our happy childhood sunshine faces ripped off by assholes repeatedly in our childhood. I don't know if you've noticed, but these fucks wait until we are feeling happy and open and vulnerable, and that's when they tear off a chunk of flesh. Personally, I think they are possessed by demons at these times, but that's another topic. The result is to make us all cynical and defensive and sullen. Those who can avoid this are the lucky few. All of us have been slashed in childhood, and most of us still carry the scars. So you're not alone. When you're busy hiding your pain, remember that everyone around you is busy hiding theirs at the same time.

[–] • 1 pt

Insightful . I never could figure out how an adults that live to prey upon vulnerable , innocent children , whether sexually , physically , emotionally or psychologically, live with themselves. Truly sick evil fuckers imho. Sad there's so much garbage walking around out there.

I think that's why when someone genuine , who actually cares about you simply because they are a decent human being , comes into your life it can be hard to deal with.

[–] • 2 pts

I have a question for you: where is your father and what kind of situation is he in?

[–] • 2 pts

When you spend your time around bad people, good people seem strange. Nothing lasts for ever so enjoy those good people while you can. You also might be sensing some bad people hiding within the group. Give everyone who seems decent a chance. Finding a group of good people these days is like winning the lottery so try to enjoy it.

[–] • 2 pts

Give your unwanted thoughts and opinions of yourself to Jesus. Lay them at his feet every day in prayer and call on him any time you are in despair. This works man. You have to do it everyday and get in the habit of constantly praying to him with each errant, unproductive thought. Over time, you feel him help you and work through you.

[–] • 1 pt

I’m sorry to read this, man. Just give it time. It’s tough to trust kindness after a tough run at things. The hardest part is giving back the same level of effort to these folks. Do your best to reciprocate in your own way. Showing your heart and intent is sometimes good enough.

The most important part is that you deserve the good things that happen here. You’re worth the effort that people are showing you. You need to believe this. Don’t let yourself convince you otherwise. Best wishes.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt (edited )

Taking responsibility for yourself and forgiving people when they really really really don't deserve it will help deal with the past. Also stop acting like a jew and getting algoed.

[–] • 1 pt

The urge to recoil from your genuine and kind-hearted church is the result of psychological abuse you suffered at the hands of your sociopathic, narcissistic family. It's the same as a dog that's kicked every time its owner smiles will learn to recoil from smiles despite the fact that almost everyone else who smiles at a dog does so out of genuine affection and kindness. That deep-seated childhood trauma created the defense mechanism where you're suspicious of kindness because as a child the appearance of kindness was exclusively used to manipulate you, rather than being wholly genuine and good-hearted in the case of your church.

I strongly recommend continuing to attend your church and enmeshing yourself in that community. These sound like genuinely kind people, and the more you spend time with them and avoid your cancerous family the more you'll learn to adapt your emotions and behavior to living a happier and psychologically healthier life. Once you develop close friendships within that church community I would encourage you to speak about your childhood with those close friends. They're good people. Some of them will "get it" and be able to provide guidance and support on how to recover from being the victim of child abuse. Those who don't "get it" because they've been sheltered from this type of toxic behavior will still be able to provide kindness and a sanity check on what type of behavior is acceptable and what type needs to be dropkicked out of your life with extreme prejudice. You likely have a great deal of hesitation there because showing vulnerability was straight up dangerous as a child (speaking from experience here...), but a good church group is going to want to give you the biggest damn hug in the world and invite you over for xmas and Thanksgiving so you have good people to spend the holidays with.

Regarding the physical vs psychological abuse, being more upset by the psychological trauma is completely normal. I know I would have preferred more physical abuse and less psychological, because bruises are a heck of a lot harder to rationalize as "acceptable" and a whole lot easier to use as evidence to get abusive parents thrown in jail.

[–] • 1 pt

Back in the day, my parents were harsh because the world was harsh. You had to be tough to survive. Like as not, they likely never knew any other way. Even the schools used to beat the students. That was not only normal, we may be going back to that soon.

But let me explain something else that is very important for you, personally. They say not to hate your enemies, but why? Why is because the hatred you experience occurs in your own mind. Short of any attack you may launch on your enemies, the damaging experience of that hatred is happening only to you. It is affecting your conscious experience of this reality. It is bringing down your day. It is holding back your life. For some people, this goes on their entire lives.

It's not so much that the church people are being nice to you specifically, as they are being nice to everyone in general, all of the time. It's kind of like a form of self brainwashing. When you keep your mind focused on happy thoughts, those are the neural pathways in your brain that are strengthened, that are reinforced chemically by the body, over time. You reach a point of conscious awareness where happiness is nearly all that you ever experience. They have become genuinely nice people.

That is a very different life experience than the one filled with hatred and pain. You have only one real power in this reality, just the one, and that is the power to choose. That is the power of your free will. A gift from God, and the only thing you really need. Choose happiness. Deliberately. Go out of your way to be happy, to be nice, to be caring. Go out of your way to have a joyful experience, and turn away from the negative. Spread this happiness to others. It is it's own reward.

Over time, your neural pathways will reprogram themselves. Sixty to ninety days. The pathways associated with happiness will become more powerful. You will get a greater and greater chemical reward from this. Free drugs made in your own body. Meanwhile, the neurons associated with all of that pain will begin to fade. They grow weaker and slowly atrophy. Eventually, you will be nearly immune to the negative emotional impact of almost any form of hatred. It practically will not register in your mind. That doesn't mean you are unaware of it, only that it has but a minimal emotional impact upon you.

You see, I do not hate my enemies. Not anymore. Actually, I feel sorry for them. They are on a path of total destruction, and they are already living in hell and don't even know it. This is the choice they make, accidentally, or deliberately, and it rules their entire experience in this place. They get stuck in these patterns, and they will never find happiness on this path. When they die and go to hell, they might not even notice the difference.

[–] • 2 pts

Give your church family a chance bro. Guess what ? These people will eventually do something , maybe even unintentional , that will hurt you , or make you upset. Don't fuck up a good thing by being a pussy and ghosting them.

Good people are still imperfect people. Confront problems ( with love of course ) and talk shit out. Uncomfortable yes but part of having healthy adult relationships is the ability to work through problems. Church could be great for u man.

[–] • 0 pt

My life was in shambles several years ago. I can’t speak to your situation but it’s difficult not to despair. The only advice I can offer is never stop trying to improve yourself and your situation. Never stop working on yourself. I could probably use a nice group of church people myself

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