Because deep inside you have tiny bit of hope that things gonna start making sense and world will become a better place. But as you can remember younger yet already disappointed version of yourself years ago things aren't improving, pretty much otherwise it is downslide into oblivion of idiocy. And if, 5 or 10 years ago you would use that 12-gauge, what would you miss? Of course there are days when sun is shining on you but on a larger scale, you wouldn't miss anything. So why keep on pretending that it is not time yet?