thanks for the reply, i guess everybody's mileage may vary. i have dealt with plenty of death also being middle aged and in a rural setting. in my 50 odd years i have witnessed horrific murders, friends dying of drugs in front of me, watching aged friends and neighbours die then preparing the bodies for burial, rearing and slaughtering, putting down sick pets (always the worst to have to shoot your dog) and watching my mother die slowly of cancer when i was 12. death is all around and plentiful, i get rather dismayed at leaders in government and corporations that feel the need to add to this in the name of profit. death should be a shock to the system, but not a debilitating one. i feel no pity for the dead as their suffering is over. pity the ones left behind. i have certainly explored all the religions and read all the books, albeit in translation. they all contain good ideas but also many varied toxic ideas as well. i chose to walk the earth alone, for me it works and made me stronger. i chose not to believe in a higher power, i chose to believe in myself. something big is on its way so whatever you need to make you strong will really get tested. i have the feeling that many of us will soon have the need to take lives in defence of ourselves and our families. it will get a lot worse before it gets better. all the best to you in these strange days friend.