If you're going to call me anything I'd expect a bit more creativity than that. Anyhow, addressing the second bit, yes. I'd be stupid to think everything will be happy and cheery. Fact of the matter is, soon enough I suppose, very little will be. Does it bother me? A bit, yes. Used to be more bothersome but as time goes on one finds that if they hit rock bottom and keeps digging there is a wealth of knowledge, lessons, to be learned. It's very easy to MKULTRA yourself. You should try it sometime. Anytime you think of the word "love", or anything related to it, go watch a guy get shot on Liveleak or something. Before you know it, your thoughts naturally drift away from what you conditioned against because your brain doesn't like the thought of watching a guy burn alive, or get shot, throat getting slit, whatever. The point is, you can kill an emotion, given enough time and effort.